An Open Letter

I’m a little bit in my head today. E felt bad after freaky time because she didn’t understand how to push my buttons the same way I could for her. We talked about it, but a little seed was planted in my head that seems to have a bit of root to it. I realized I felt like I hear judgment whenever I open up or talk about my weirder side of stuff. It sucks because whenever she has weird stuff, I consciously make sure she doesn’t feel judged or weird for it, and I am excited to help her indulge in it. But for me, whenever I talk about stuff, it feels like she has to think about if she is even ok with the thought of it, and it feels like it’s a concession she has to make, rather than something she’s excited to explore with me. And that feeling sucks. I’d like to feel comfortable being myself, and not like I have to repress parts of me because I’m afraid of seeing her judgment. In a perfect world, I’d love it if she were excited to try things out with me. It’s a bit conflicted in my mind because she both says that she wishes she knew how to push my buttons more, but when I tell her, I’m met with the human equivalent of :/ it feels like. I don’t know what to do about this either, because what can I do? Do I just have to tell her to blindly feign interest? If she’s not enthusiastically consenting to it, then what can I do?