Four
There's been a weight in my chest and a nausea that has refused to leave. I tried to throw up just now, I took my shirt and my glasses off and I kneeled over the toilet bowl and retched and heaved but nothing came out. Just saliva. The weight did not go away.
I feel such a crushing weight of loneliness. During the relationship I became aware of this fact, because I realized how I had neglected socializing and as a result I didn't have many IRL friends, and a lot of my online friends were busy in life. But with a relationship, I wouldn't be alone ever. Since she was always there, and since since she was always just a text away, I wasn't alone. But now that I have to face a life without that certainty, the loneliness has set in without the comfort of that being the norm.
I spent a lot of today talking with different friends, trying to understand how I'm supposed to move on. I sat alone with my thoughts, and then the loneliness would set in. And then I wanted nothing more than to reach out to her and be in her arms. I needed to talk with friends to remind myself on the bad parts also so that I could understand why this happened.
I think the way it works is combined you both have some amount of emotional capacity. That emotional capacity would would go to whoever needed it, and the problem was in this moment we both needed it, and we needed more than we had. The part that cuts me right now is I stopped writing because I started thinking about how it could work. If I had been more explicit about how I may not be able to be there for her, and if she could be aware about the things that would pull from my cup, then maybe we could manage our problems. And maybe the problems are lighter because no more finals, no more job interview, and I have some time to grieve my mom. But that's a risk, and I don't think it's one that should be taken. I think what would work best for us is the softer version of that, without so much expectation from both sides.
I just wish I would stop hearing the radio head in my head. And I wish I could have worked out. But it didn't and it won't. It sucks because it feels like the only person that understands everything is her, and I want to talk with her about how much breaking up sucks.