I feel happy today, but I also feel frustrated. I don’t like having to take my foot off the gas, I’ve taken the last two days off exercising to let my body heal, and today I went easy at the gym. I finished all of my homework for my classes, and so I’m basically just waiting till my next assignments come out. I hate this limbo of not doing anything, I feel like I always need that external motivation.

I talked in therapy today about how hitting 225 didn’t feel as great as I thought it would. I genuinely think I was happier whenever I failed 225 before. I think it boiled down to my fear of being perceived I guess. The day I hit it, I was with a friend I love spending time with. They’re one of the only people I want to go to the gym with – but I also felt somewhat pressured. They didn’t do anything, but I felt that pressure of not wanting to scare anyone or freak anyone out by being expressive. I don’t know if anyone I know will ever see how I behave in my car when I believe I’m alone. I wish I was that person around others, but I don’t know if that level of energy is appropriate.

I think the only way that could ever be seen was if I genuinely was caught off guard, or if someone had set that precedent to let me be that person. But even then, I don’t know if it would be performative or not.

I told my therapist I had a plan. I am going to go back to the gym, and try to hit 225 again – and after it, I will gently let out a bit of that pent-up celebration. I think I want to also go to the greenhouse behind my house and scream and truly celebrate. I think I value my achievements, but because I’ve never learned how to be happy for them they mean nothing to me. Sometimes I think about Matthias Steiner’s 2008 gold medal, and I feel like he’s more real of a person than I am. I don’t know if any emotion I’ve felt has come close to that. I chase that feeling I’ve never had. I wonder if any achievement will even give it to me or if I need to change something about myself to feel that joy.

Situation: I hit 225

Thoughts: I could think instantly about how I don’t want to make anyone else feel self-conscious, and I don’t want to make anyone else feel worse about their achievements or goals.

Feelings: I stay fully in my head, and I don’t even for a second think about me hitting my own achievement.

Behavior: I feel nothing, and I shoot myself in the foot in the name of excessive consideration.

It feels pretty obvious writing it out like that

Thoughts: I did it. I fucking did it. When I first tried lifting, it took me several months to be able to lift the 45 lb bar. Statistics on weightlifters say that the intermediate level for my weight and age is 209 lbs. The intermediate level is after at least two years of lifting. It was 6 months for me. SIX FUCKING MONTHS! I know I want to discount my own achievement by saying it’s genetics, but those same genetics were in a weightlifting class for months before I could lift the bar. I have been incredibly disciplined, and have worked incredibly hard to get where I am. This success is due to my own work and determination.

Feelings: I feel proud finally. I feel good about it. When I started lifting, I told myself I would make this personal – I would stick to this and work hard at it. If I didn’t do this, I would kill myself as I simply don’t have the willpower to do anything in life that doesn’t come naturally to me. I proved to myself how mentally strong I am.

Behavior: I feel good. I feel fucking good.

Finally. Enjoy the sweetness of that fruit you planted. Love you man ♥