An Open Letter

Hey future me, This is two days after the break up Anshuman. Let me get this out of the way first. This is going to come In waves and that was just how life works. But overall it will get better. She is a different person and a fully formed individual, the same way that you are. And what that means is there are ways that our own internal issues will come out and hurt, not just ourselves but often people around us. But the good news is there are so many lessons to be learned from something like this.

One thing I realized was I worried about how I’ve only had three relationships and all of them have felt unhealthy. I know that it’s something where if someone says that all of their exes have been crazy then there is one common factor, and I guess that that’s what my fear is, if I am the common factor. And ultimately if I am the one that is the problem. But I think I’ve realized that the problem that I have is selecting people, and more specifically moving too fast and not filtering people out. I think because of the feeling that I am behind in life socially, and the difficulties with dating, I move too fast and before I even get to read a person I sink my teeth in and hold on, and then the loyalty to a fault becomes a problem. I will continue to hold myself into a relationship that should not have happened in the first place, and I am swept up by fantasy and hope for how things could go. But in reality that is not the case. What is correct is to take more time and get to know someone a little bit better before you decide that this is someone you want to commit in a relationship with. Something I have had to learn in this instance is how easy it is to get swept up with feelings of love and intimacy, and how really intense good feelings can mask our judgment. There was a really good TED talk on how to avoid situations like that, and the solution was to listen to your friends and family on their reads of the person. Assuming that your friends are good judges of character, they can give a much clearer perspective on potential partners, because they are not blinded by love were the same chemicals that you face. You deserve to have our relationship that is good and healthy and desirable not just when the chemicals are flooding through your brain, no matter how good that feels.

Ultimately if you are content being single, and if you are in no rush to get into a relationship, then you are able to selectively choose rather than feeling pressured to take whatever is available. If you were selling a luxury car that was super valuable, and the only people that are willing to buy it would only pay a fraction of the price, does that mean that you should sell it? Or should you wait until an appropriate buyer comes along. You are an incredible person in a lot of different ways, and you are absolutely a wonderful partner for the kind of people that you are looking for. You are kind, you are successful, you are attractive, you are intelligent, you are funny, you are considerate, you are compassionate, and the list goes on. Have a little bit of faith that things will work out. Look at how incredibly strong you have been, and how much you have changed in such a short amount of time. This is only my third break up, and even with it being so incredibly traumatic I am doing the right things. I am not trying away from uncomfortable but necessary discomfort, I am pushing myself to interact with friends and stay engaged, and I am really proud to say that I can come out of this relationship with my head held high. I set a boundary and I respected that, and even though there were plenty of things done to me that are unfair and shitty, I did not retaliate, I was not petty, I did not do anything to try to hurt or upset her or anyone involved. I am so fucking proud of you for the person that you’ve become. Sooner than you could imagine you will feel so much better. Don’t throw away the good memories, and also don’t throw away the bad memories. Understand and acknowledge your own feelings and recognize what things you’ve learned about what you want in a partner and what things you’ve learned you don’t want. There is a pain that comes to growing and you are going to pay that pain no matter what if you want that growth, and this growth is absolutely necessary. But you can handle it. You are the most incredible person I know. I love you.