An Open Letter

Today has just been horribly isolating. A is over to sleep over, and it has been one blow after the other that I just take. She apologized and said I don't deserve this attitude. I told her I just want to be known, and she told me she understands. I told her she doesn't and she told me she does. I told her again she doesn't and again she told me she does.

I don't think she understands it because if she truly did, she would want to know me. I know it's hard, but I feel like if she really understood she would know how to take steps towards it. But the big problem I felt was that there were no steps, and even when I would try to pull her along it would be reluctant. And it doesn't help when I try to speak up it's met with aggression.

She noticed how quiet and sullen I had become. She would ask me how I feel, and when I would say something she would take offense and start getting agitated. If I tried to clarify or just say that this was how I'm feeling it would escalate and she would start to yell at me. And then I get more quiet. And then she goes to smoke her nicotine. And I just sit there thinking.

It's so weird to hear how much someone loves me from someone who I don't think understands me or really takes an interest into me. All that I'm left with is the feeling that they like the value I provide to them. And I don't think that's what I should see of love. It's a shame I didn't have a better view of that growing up, otherwise I could say this with confidence.