Halloween
I am driving home now on Halloween night from my friends place. We did have our five person group costume, and we honestly spent most of the day doing a photo shoot in Js Apartment, because it started to rain. I got to take some cool photos and I am going home and planning on editing them a bit. We then dropped off G at the airport, and had to go to do something separate, and we stopped by a friends place who was hosting a party. Honestly, we all felt pretty awkward and out of place there and so us three left pretty soon and instead just went to go get Taco Bell. I’d call it a night. It’s a strange thing because in a lot of ways tonight was unsuccessful, like we did not really go to any events or do anything outside of the house and on paper it kind of just looks like we all dressed up took some photos together, and that was it. But I surprisingly feel actually good about everything. I didn’t even drink really or anything like that, and I guess I’m just really grateful for the friends that I have and how we all kind of coordinated and dressed up together.
Over a month ago, I had RSVP to a party after one of my friends sent me the invite, and it was with someone that I have interacted with a bit before and it seemed like we could be friends, but yesterday she told me that she is going to have to uninvite me because someone that she is loyal to doesn’t like me. I had told her that this is coming out of nowhere and is there something I did like? Would it help if I apologize, and especially because the party is supposed to be fairly large it’s not like it is a tight close thing, and also just from my side of things I’ve been racking my brain, but there really isn’t anything I could think about where I have wronged anyone to the plate where they are this justified and not wanting to see me. But she did not punch and so the day before I had to scramble to figure out what plans to do instead. I had sent the invite to the rest of my group and that was her plan to go to, but I’m really grateful that all of them independently said that if I am not going, they don’t want to go. And I will say I am really grateful for that, and I know that my brain can come up with arguments against this, but I think I truly am an important person in the lives of my friends around me. I think I would very much be missed if I went away. And I can think about this in the sense that if I was not there, I don’t know if my friend groups would really be able to function the same. But I’m only bringing that up just because I really want to drive that point home because I’ve been working on that in therapy of unconditional this thought in my head. But overall, I’m really grateful that I have a lot of friends that I can even complain about this situation too and so forth. I think there are a lot of really nice memories associated with this Halloween, including things like going shopping for the shirt with E, or when she came over to use the sewing machine I have borrowed for altering the corset and also trying to figure out how to tie the pentagram. Or how Jay helped me with the pentagram the day off, and just a casual comfort of me being at her place, taking off my contacts while she is taking off her makeup and it’s little things like this recognizing how comfortable I am with these people in a way that I think is healthy, rather than a lot of the super intense out of nowhere relationship relationships I have had in my life. I have taken my time and slowly gotten closer to these people and I think that is a very sweet thing. I guess a part of me does wonder if I am losing something in life however, in the sense that I am not really going to these huge parties or going out clubbing or like flirting with people and getting drunk or stuff like that, and I think, especially when we were in the Taco Bell, and we were surrounded by what was really uncomfortable by the way, a lot of highschoolers that were dressed in very revealing costumes. It reminded me of being at college, which was a big party school and feeling like a loser for not partying every single weekend, or seeing people dressed in really revealing clothing and feeling like a home body. But at the same time I feel like I do have several friends that don’t party or do anything like that, and they seem to be very content or happy with that, and I kind of aspire to be more secure in that sense, because I think there were people on both ends of the spectrum that are happy and also unhappy with where they are and feel like they need to be closer to one side or the other. And I think my virtue of that that means neither of those is necessarily wrong.