Hey Anshuman / A promise

Hey me, fancy seeing you sitting out here again! How’s it going?

For one I’m feeling much better, partially because CBT took another massive dub, as the close friend was NOT leaving me, and was not upset at me. I’m very glad that I took the time to do CBT, and really thought through my actions instead of letting the sense of impending doom motivate that false urgency. I’m feeling less depressed, but still struggling – but hey, I’m fighting it! I talked to several people today, so I’ve been doing my best to combat isolation, I spent some time doing creative stuff and caught up on some YouTube videos that made me laugh.

Speaking about the close friend, turns out I was correct with CBT – they were very busy and stressed packing – SORRY THAT WAS A WHOLE ASS-RAT THAT RAN PAST ME. I hear it rustling around. But yeah, they were just super busy with packing for Europe, and it wasn’t any reflection on our relationship as friends. I feel pretty silly in hindsight with how stressed and sick I felt, as I just kept reliving past relationships. I will say, there are still some toxic thoughts that are poisoning my sweet, summer mind but thankfully CBT tortures those thoughts into a blissful, almost orgasmic new one – so let’s go ahead and do some more, shall we?

Situation: The close friend is going to study abroad, and has mentioned how they are not one to cling onto friends past when appropriate. They also mentioned how over the summer our friendship dynamic was different, and that won’t be the same.

Thoughts: They are ready to leave me. They were only friends with me over the summer because there was no one else, and I kept bugging them to do stuff. They are going to replace me once they find someone more desirable, and any mistakes I make will only accelerate that process. I am about to be alone.

Feelings: I feel like crying, feel betrayed, feel like I need to either cling on tighter or fully distance myself first, and ultimately no matter what I am doomed to be unloved.

Behavior: I will fall into a depressive episode, I will be overly clingy to friends, and I will not be able to enjoy myself in interactions around them. I will feel like I am always walking on eggshells, as they are about to leave me, and making a mistake might be the final straw. I will feel like people do not want to actually be around me, and that I am truly unloveable. I will kill myself, NOW (insert a picture of low-tier god).

Now for a LOGICAL, and REASONING based thought:

Thoughts: She mentioned not clinging to friendships that are no longer good. Do I think I am that friendship? No. In the future may we change as people to the point where we have different friends? Yeah, but that’s not a bad thing. Also, over the summer our friendship WAS different, we had SO much more free time, and also fewer options of people to hang out with – so of course it isn’t going to be the same with life back in full swing. We both will be busier, so we aren’t going to be less of friends, we just may not spend as much time together. That time won’t be idle for me however, it will also be filled with other things! Being tied down to one person is also unhealthy, so it is a good thing for me to spread my eggs into more baskets. This all being said, they have explicitly said, and I quote: “I don’t want to lose this, and I’m going to put in the work to ensure that 💯” (from the friend). ARE YOU DAFT? THEY ARE EXPLICITLY SAYING THEY WANT TO STAY FRIENDS, AND THEY VALUE ME AS A FRIEND. YOU STUPID FUCKING GOOSE! BROTHER, WHAT ELSE DO THEY GOTTA SAY?

Feelings: Silly goose moment. I am catastrophizing for nothing, as literally NOTHING IS HAPPENING. I am not being left, life sometimes changes and that isn’t something you can change. Just because the dynamic might change a bit, doesn’t mean that suddenly I’m alone for life, or that I’m being left. Yeah, there is this feeling of dread or a falling feeling, but that is FULLY ANXIETY. Nothing bad is happening, there is no reason to ruin a wonderful relationship over someone (Anxiety) lying to me. I cannot stress enough that nothing unfairly bad is happening to me.

Behavior: Honestly, I become a big chiller. I do not need to feel horribly bad, or like a close friendship is being destroyed by my own hand. I am not a horribly insecure person, who ruins friendships at the evil whisperings of Anxiety. I do not fulfill this self-fulfilling prophecy, and nothing bad happens. I will get cool souvenirs from Scotland!

I honestly feel pretty silly in hindsight, because I was going through a saved note of positive evidence and quite literally was slapped in the face with a direct mention of “I am not leaving, I value you as a friend”. Kinda funny how Anxiety has been trying to lie to me for the last week or so telling me how all hell is going to come crashing down, and how I need to kill myself. In my mental eye I see Anxiety having that expression of getting caught with a lie, but being so belligerent to not take accountability or finally confess while red-handed.

CBT: 4, Mental Illness: probably a lot but at least not versus CBT these last four times!

Proud of you for doing this again, good job Ithaka. Love ya man 💓