Hopefully just sad because of moving

Hey me. To be fully honest, I feel like shit right now. I just moved into my new apartment for the year, and anxiety has been making me its bitch. I started to write down a list of things going wrong, but I ended up deleting them because frankly, it isn’t that bad. I still feel like shit though. I walked around the field behind my apartment for a while trying to figure out some things, as maybe working on some issues of mine would help me to feel better. It sucks that time is the main cure here, and there’s not much I can do for a bit except just ride out the storm.

One thing I was working on today during a walk was a deep dive into an insecurity I’ve had since childhood. This was all spurred on by a close friend who mentioned how a D1 athlete asked them out, and how they were flattered. Honestly, even after processing things and trying to learn more about it it still kinda does feel bad, and that’s fully due to my own issues – not at all because of them. I also am glad they did mention it, I really do value that even though it stirs up insecurity on my end, as I get to better figure out issues I hold and I can start to address them.

Now that being said, one route I went down was on how I felt envious of her having people show interest in her. I know that it also is a disproportionate comparison, as she is a woman, and I am a man – and with heteronormative standards women are pursued, not the other way around. I guess that’s a good point to start some CBT with.

Situation: Female friend receiving attention from D1 male athlete, with them asking her out.

Thoughts: I am undesirable, as I have not been asked out like that. I am still the kid who people couldn’t be attracted to, and they were right all along.

Feelings: Miserable, hopeless, unattractive, lonely, pathetic, and ultimately like a piece of filth.

Behavior: Lose confidence, body image issues again, reject any potential for intimacy, isolate myself from people, and harbor resentment toward others.

Now without the tried and false thought pattern (haha):

Thoughts: There are several things to unpack here:

  1. This was one example she mentioned – I have also been asked out by my ex-GF.

  2. She is a woman, and in our heteronormative culture, men are not asked out. The fact that I WAS asked out should mean even more!

  3. I only very recently had a huge glow-up, and so I haven’t even got to test out how that goes

  4. I have had numerous people want to, and have sex with me due to my appearance and body – not my personality. That is quite literally someone finding me desirable

  5. I am an Indian man at a very white school, she is a white woman. There is something to say there.

Feelings: I honestly feel pretty silly for believing such an irrational thought, just to continue the narrative of how I’m unloveable and untouchable. I don’t feel upset at myself for this, as I know why and I get how hard it is to break apart from something reinforced into you. But also, I feel better. I feel attractive and desired. I feel like I can be loved, which does feel weird – but in a nice way!

Behavior: I have more confidence, and I want to go and pursue people. I feel like I can genuinely be happy for friends having success in this category. I feel motivated and hopeful.

Yeah scratch all of this, a friend of a friend who doesn’t know me immediately told me to kill myself because I’m a man. She then doubled down and said how it isn’t sexism to hate men, since men cannot be oppressed, and my friend laughed about it. I know I’m just too sensitive here, but tell that to the women (plural) who sexually abused me or the countless others who were unnecessarily cruel to me, leading to my eventual suicide attempts. Tell me again how I was the monster here like my mom always told me.