I did it again!
It’s a stupid thing to be proud of but I got high with some friends, and I haven’t done this in forever because of my anxiety. But I wasn’t anxious! Even though things didn’t go great I was fine. That’s such a big relief honestly. One thing I remember was D and N kept talking about a dance video I had and how good it was, and N kept making suggestive comments and I kind of felt uncomfortable. Like to me because I was not wearing a shirt in that video (because I was drenched in sweat from three hours of trying to learn) it felt too slutty and weird. I ended up privating it just now because it feels too much like a thirst trap, and while part of me kind of did know it would be seemed like that, like I felt hot making the video, I feel really uncomfortable when IRL people remember and think of it. There are two outcomes that are terrifying to me for different reasons, one is they’re making fun of me and I’m doing something embarrassing and it’s something to laugh at. The other is they find it attractive and I’m afraid to even consider believing that because that’s both uncomfortable for a platonic friendship, and also then if I believe it if they are actually making fun of me I look even more like an idiot. It’s like an unstable Nash equilibrium, if I accept it as a compliment and they are meaning to complement it, then I’m fine. But if they change their action I end up with a really bad punishment. And I think I’m a pretty weird person and it’s kind of instilled in me that people don’t like weird, and so part of me feels like I’m not actually a friend but rather someone to poke fun at. But I think this is one of those unstable equilibriums where D is genuinely a friend. Because of that I don’t want to shy away and keep my guard up. I like hanging out with her and I’m grateful for her as a friend.