An Open Letter

I’m pretty confident that I forgot to take my Adderall today. In the past if I don’t take a dose it’s not the end of the world, but I definitely have been feeling very tired today if not recently. I’m sitting with feeling a little bit depressed today, and I’m doing my best to avoid the panic that comes with that because I thought that my depressive episode was ending and I think it still is but I guess that there are some aftershocks. It’s weird because I’m not really stressed right now in life, at least not in the way that’s apparent to me but rather more in a more existential way. I feel like there’s something I need to be doing or something I need to change to make my life one where I’m happy, I’m not quite sure what it is.

One of the new hires on my team just mentioned that he was married and his wife is coming down with him. Another person that also accepted an offer is delaying it a little bit because they are having their first kid. Another one of my meetings today with a coworker included the news that he was planning his wedding for later this year. I also recently met someone who was 25 and married to his high school sweetheart. And I’m starting to feel a little bit like the people around me are partnered and a lot of them are getting married. I understand for sure that I am right now younger than they are, but at the same time I feel like if I want to get married after dating someone for like four years, I would be pretty much 29 at the earliest assuming everything goes perfect and I meet my future wife in like eight months. And I feel like this is something that is kind of heartbreaking to me in a way, because I very much valued and prioritized the idea of getting married growing up, and I really want to be a good father. And when I think about pretty much all the people I know that are in a relationship relationships or stuff like that, they met in college and that is a period of my life that has passed. I also think that there was a lot of learning that I had to do, including the last relationship that I got out of. And I understand that I am coming at a big disadvantage because I didn’t really get to get socialized prior to college other than in the online sense. So I get them coming from behind with the disadvantage, but it does sting to feel like I am behind and the deadline has passed. It also stings because part of me feels like right now our relationship should not be my priority, because I think socially I still want a consistent reliable in person friendly group, and I am right now struggling with depression. And a part of me feels like if I’m struggling with depression that means I shouldn’t be dating.

Earlier today when I went on a walk I was thinking about why do I feel empty for this sense of tiredness, and a thought crossed my mind of how I would really like or feel rejuvenated by being able to hug E, and just like collapse into her arms. I do also recognize that even though that desire is real, it is not something that I really want if I consider all of the other things that come with it. I know that that ship has fully sailed, and additionally while some of the things like that were nice there were plenty of other downsides and issues that make it something that I really do not want. But all of that being said, I do wonder about what I’m supposed to do in lieu of not having access to that. The only thing that really comes to my mind is a massage, but that costs a pretty solid amount of money and it deals like I’m doing something kind of wrong if I need to spend money on an expensive massage to feel OK or good. And so going back to my earlier point I feel like I shouldn’t necessarily prioritize dating right now because I might just use it as an escape from my problems or a solution, and that would lead me right back into codependency and refusal to leave when things aren’t what I would like them to be because I am using it as a Band-Aid. But at the same time there comes that panic and desperation thinking about how I want to have a happy marriage and have all these sweet things that I get to see other people have, and I would love to be able to give someone that love and affection and share that intimacy with them. And I feel like that’s one of those things that you need to plant the seed for way before you need it. Because if I’m like 28 and I want to be married or something like that, if I don’t want to rush it I need to take time to know someone. And it feels like I’m at this weird impasse where I both need to not date until I am ready, and also I need to be dating by some certain point to hit some arbitrary timeline. I think if I look at a surface level emotional reaction, what I feel is frustration and envy towards people that have the stuff that I want like a relationship where they’re getting married and I assume that it’s healthy and fulfilling. And I feel like according to my values I provide so much and it’s not fair, but I also do think that the kind of partners that they might have aren’t necessarily the kind of partners that I would want. And then I wonder if I am unreasonable with the things that I want, I think the necessities are someone who is emotionally safe consistently, reciprocates the things that I try to provide, and someone who I am able to have good conflict resolution and communication with. In addition to those things I would really love it if I had a partner that was a body type that I find really attractive (eg. thicker girls), someone who shares a similar type of humor and that can make me laugh, someone who is intelligent and passionate about things in their life that they can articulate and share with me, someone who has open mind, and can share emotionally deep conversations with me. I would love it if they had a lot of vitality, and they were creative. It would also be a huge bonus points if they played video games similar to the ones that I do, or enjoy weightlifting/powerlifting. But I’m trying to step away from hobbies being so necessary. And I feel like when I think about those things I don’t feel like I’m asking for anything to unreasonable, but I do think that it is rare. And I kind of worry that I’m not gonna find someone else in the sort of timeframe where I would be kind of keeping up with the people around me that I see. And I do wanna remind myself that it’s not necessarily a thing for me to fix it on, that a timeframe is necessary. And I also want to remind myself that I am focusing on a few samples and also ones that are the ones that succeeded. And I also don’t know anything about how happy their relationships are, or if they really are relationship relationships that I should be envious of. I do think about how a lot of my friends are my age or older with less experience or less prospects, and additionally I have the problem in my head of thinking that I am a person I would like to be in a relationship with, I am kind and that is not something that I have to fake, I am intelligent and funny, and I am very financially secure. And so it is a problem to think about how I feel like I’m doing the right things and I’m not having immediate success, but I am very much am grateful if I step back acknowledge the fact that I don’t have the problem of missing some of these fundamental things and hoping that I can somehow figure out how to make up for them. I’ve interacted with enough people online or seen people especially men but not always, be not kind. And it’s not something that I necessarily fault, if that’s how you grow up and that is something that you are taught is the way to see life, then yeah what are you supposed to do? That sounds fucking rough. And thankfully for me I’ve kind of had this alignment since I was a kid and so I don’t need to worry about having to learn how to treat strangers with kindness or have empathy, or stuff like that. And I also think I’m incredibly fortunate with the family I was born into in the way is that financially I’m incredibly privileged. I currently have a very nice house that I do not deserve because my dad is able to financially support me with that. I also have a very nice high paying job, and I also do well in that job with relatively little effort if I’m being honest. I don’t have to cram and I don’t have to grind the same way some of my friends do and I still am doing exceptionally well. I also am in physically the best shape of my life, I really love the way that I look, and I also am pretty good with women I would say. I’ve learned how to flirt pretty well and be vulnerable and authentic, thankfully due to the civilization that I put myself through as a kid growing up online. I’ve gotten to the point where my friends ask me for advice on talking to women or flirting. And these are all things that I should be very grateful for. I think it is unfortunate bad people consider right now to be some of the worst times to be dating as a young adult, and I also think it’s really rough with the economy how many people do not have jobs and get a college degree with that debt and struggle to find minimum wage employment. I think I have several friends that are financially struggling and I have a huge fortune of being able to be callous with money and not stress about that. I have free time and I have agency and I don’t have these other obligations that some other people do that let me be free or unconstrained. I have the benefit of not being born into a mold, or at least not a rigid one. I find that I’m able to relate with a good amount of people, and I’m also able to be authentic and unique in the ways that I find rewarding. I think I also am incredibly intelligent, and that helps me a lot in the non-academic sense because it enables me to have a certain level of self-awareness or humility ironically enough, and recognizing that I really do not know that much, and very often I am wrong including my subconscious mind. I think because of that I’ve been able to do a lot of growth than even though I haven’t necessarily started in the greatest of places, it enables me to grow at a faster rate than I would have otherwise. I have a lot of agency over my life, and that is something I’m very thankful for. And I guess I’m not thankful enough for that if I’m being honest.

I find myself thinking a lot to what G said the other day, about how relentless optimism is an incredible asset. And I think that’s pretty true, or at least I think that it’s something they can benefit from. If Isaid the other day, about how relentless optimism is an incredible asset. And I think that’s pretty true, or at least I think that it’s something they can benefit from. If I think about my future life, and it’s something where I am content, fulfilled, and honestly feeling like one of those songs where you earn that point of relief and realizing that you were fighting a worthwhile battle. I’m thinking about the song basketball shoes by new country Black Road right now. And I think I want to believe that more, and I want to think about that more and have that take up space in my conscious mind. Rather than thinking about how I am behind, or how I have tried things and they haven’t worked, and how I am not where I want to be I would like to focus a little bit more about how I have succeeded in this journey so far, and additionally how things will be if I continue to put in the work like this. I did put in the work to maintain and foster the friendships that I currently have and I really cherish. I have a dog that I love, I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping depression in check. I have friends that love me, I have a life that is beautiful, and a lot of of the things that I stressed out about so much have resolved themselves in some of the best ways. And I do believe that a lot of the effort that I have put in will pay off. And it is one of those things where it only really needs to work once. And it’s not like I have to be perfect or check off all of these boxes and perfectly fix everything before I’m eligible for that, those things just help me along the way. And on top of it it’s not that if I’m in a relationship with someone that I want to spend my life with, and I’m not married to them, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be happy then. It’s not like the wedding ring is the thing that makes me happy, it’s the person and it’s also me at the end of the day. And so as I bring this walk to an end, I do feel a greater sense of peace and I feel like it’s not just OK, but it will be something beautiful. And it be something that I’m very grateful and when I look back at will only have a struggle and worries as a memory.