An Open Letter

I find it kinda backward. I find happiness in mundane normal things, but I don’t get happiness from large significant things. Am I just broken or something? Thinking about it more, all of the customary things that people get addicted to give me almost nothing.

I’d like to be able to put everything behind at some point. I think about Matthias Steiner in moments like these. I’ve never seen such emotion overcome someone before like that. I started powerlifting because of him I think.

We had a lecture today for my ML class about what love was, as a fun little lecture for Valentine's Day. I found myself thinking it was strange how someone mentioned how they felt lonely on this day. I don’t think I’ve ever really spent Valentine’s Day with anyone romantically, so I guess I don’t know what I’m missing. I guess kinda the same for a serious relationship. Other than T, I haven’t had anything. And T was only 2 months and we know how that ended.

Thinking about this makes me want to just lay back and stare up at the universe. Try to figure something out I guess. It’s a very strange kind of freedom to go through life without a partner, I was thinking about this more as S was talking about how the opposite felt bad. Living attached to someone and always connected can get too much at times, I guess like a built-up frustration. I feel like I should do something else rather than indulge these ideas, but I can’t seem to stop from writing them. I guess I’ll tell myself it’s putting it down somewhere.

I find myself jealous a lot. I also find myself thinking of things that lead to nothing good. Either it hurts people, or it hurts me differently. I don’t want to have this thought or even know if I’m right with it. I guess I’ll stop here.