An Open Letter

I weirdly don’t feel much of an urge to talk about my birthday, which I guess is a good sign. For once I didn’t get violently depressed for it which is huge! I ate the cookie that A got me and I didn’t want it to end even though it wasn’t like delicious or anything. There’s also the fridge magnet that she gave me that says “You are beautiful” and she wanted me to actually put it on my fridge, almost like an affirmation. I also keep seeing the flower bouquet S got me on my bookshelf, and I weirdly feel kinda overwhelmed by it all. Part of me just thinks that I don’t deserve it. It’s a weird little voice in my head that keeps saying that, and I feel like it’s just some part of my mind trying to keep things as status quo to avoid the unknown. But I think the unknown, in this case, is much better, I’m starting to finally feel like I’m someone that can be liked/loved. I think the big thing that made it click for me was realizing that I don’t need to constantly be doing something or actively trying to provide ‘value’ to be lovable. Even in a fully selfish way, sometimes it’s more than enough to just have someone make some time and space for you to exist. I’m grateful to have F as a friend since he actually helps me understand myself a lot better. He’s got a lot of problems and isn’t a great friend by normal standards, but he reaches out to me and makes time just to be in the same space together which is something that means a lot to me. It’s nice to have someone you can just relax around and not be alone with. And that’s enough for me to love him. It really is that easy.