An Open Letter

I instead went and parked almost a block away, just in case I cry so that I'd have some privacy at least.

A close friend asked me what tshirts size I was, and I'm pretty sure that was what they plan to get me for my birthday. I'll feel pretty bad if they see this, but I need to write this down somewhere. I think if I just get some joke T-shirt that will shatter me.

I thought about it, and I think I'd rather get nothing for my birthday compared to a random impersonal gift. It's not because it's a bad present, or anything like that – but I think I'll mentally equate it to the fact that that's all I am to them. For their birthday, I got several incredibly personal and sentimental gifts. I spent a while trying to learn how to make a collage and printed them a poster with all of their artwork I could find, and several other things.

I remember thinking about it around then when they mentioned getting me a birthday present how if it was a drawing of me how I'd be kinda sad. I thought about why, and to me it was because it would feel like that's more them than me. Art like that isn't really my thing, so I would feel like they didn't really think about what I'd like but rather what they'd like. It all boils down to the feeling like they don't understand me.

I think I'd rather have that than some joke T-shirt any day though. I feel like an ungrateful piece of shit for thinking these things, but I think I'd rather they forget to get me anything than something like that. At least this way I could believe that they would know me, but that they just forgot.

I think I enjoyed the birthdays my parents forgot more than the ones where they tried getting me some random gift, usually things I can't even use. The last present I got for my birthday was a Zelda shirt from target from my sister. I've never played Zelda, and the shirt was way too small for me anyway. She ended up keeping it.

I think I'd rather be forgotten than finding out someone doesn't know me the way I know them. I don't want to feel that alone ever again. I wish I could just skip my birthday.