An Open Letter

Today I had what I consider my first real birthday party. I don’t even know where to start. I hosted a lot of different events and games, And I think overall people loved it! There were a lot of really fun moments and people kept asking me about how much effort I put into it. When it was time for cake, I went to the car to grab something for a second, and when I had come back the lights were off, and everyone was gathered around the table. Honestly, I was really afraid and I had went to the bathroom right before, and I felt like I was going to cry and I was horribly anxious. How do you tell someone who has felt like they have slipped through every crack in a room that suddenly everyone sees them? And in such a beautiful way. I felt like I was just going to cry from them singing, happy birthday, but then they told me to prop up my phone and record. And when they did that, they instead told me that they all were going to come one by one and put a candle one at a time and tell me a wish that they have for me. And my voice is breaking up because I’m going to cry again thinking about it. I think about how before this one of the greatest gifts that I have kept for my birthday was the happy birthday sign. My ex’s family had put in the cake for me. And now I have more candles that I could’ve dreamed of. Everyone took turns coming up to me, lighting a candle, and telling me something sweet and a wish for me. And I couldn’t stop crying.

So many people told me how grateful they are for the community that I have built and how thankful they are to get to be a part of it. They told me how many people they have gotten to meet through me and how many fun things they’ve gotten to do. And I couldn’t help but think about all these years that I have spent my birthday and the holidays alone. And I think about how many nights I fell asleep before college dreaming about how I would have friends that I could hang out with people that would give me hugs. I could cry and I am crying because I struggled so much and I have blindly put in so much faith along the way working at this. I always dreamed about being able to have a life like this, and I have made it in mine. I grew up without a community, because my parents kept us isolated at home. And I never felt like I fit in anywhere, with the exception of online. And I’m grateful for that in several ways, and I also think that I have become a deep and unique person because of that lack of conformity that comes with community. But I always wished that I would find my people and I have spent so many nights thinking about it and I’ve written about it so many times I’ve talked with my therapist so many times and I now have that. And I have it in such a loud way that so many of the other people in the community that I have built remind me of this fact.

I also had several people tell me about how unapologetically myself I am, and how it inspires them to feel comfortable being themselves. I had several people tell me how I am always having fun in whatever situation, and I couldn’t stop but cry because it reminded me of how fucking hard I have worked and pushed myself to learn how to be happy. I have people tell me how much energy I have and I feel so grateful to myself for trying so fucking hard through pure willpower. I think about how many days I have woken up at 4 PM because I just don’t have any will to get up.

I had so many people tell me how thoughtful I am towards my friends and how much I care about others, and how much I think about them. And I want to cry so fucking bad because I tried to be the person I needed at so many different points in my life and it feels like I have been doing pretty good in that sense. I think it is such a beautiful thing for your friends to think about you and the word that comes to their mind is thoughtful and considerate. It feels like all of the quiet little times I have accommodated someone without telling them, or made an effort to include someone slipping behind or checking in on someone has been seen.

And most of all I had a lot of people wish that I truly knew how many people around me care about me and love me. And that devastated me in the best way, because I cannot even begin to count how many times I have thought that I should kill myself. And how many times I have thought and truly believed that people would not miss me. And I know that so much of that is depression trying to trick me, but at the same time, it’s such a uphill battle to convince yourself of this so blindly when the only thing you hear is the opposite. But today I heard so many voices just telling me that I underestimate how loved I am.

And I vividly remember sitting here in the bottom of the shower writing about how it felt cosmically unfair that I have tried so hard and putting so much effort into being a good friend, and every year I would dread my birthday. And I would see other people being celebrated and even all of these sweet things like surprise parties, or people all giving wishes. And I feel that bitterness and envy, because what did I do to be doomed to not get that. And I know that it is a lot more complicated than that, and it is in no way shape or form a reflection of how much the people around me care if they did not do this. But also, I did get more than I could’ve dreamed of. And I still get to the day before my birthday as a sleepover with friends. And this is way more than I could’ve wished for, honestly, it’s more than I even feel comfortable receiving. And I guess I want to say that I want to thank the universe. And I’m also really thankful to myself for all of the things and work that I have been putting in so consistently, because things like this don’t just accidentally happen.

It’s more than everything I ever wanted.