An Open Letter

So I realized I might as well use this daily journaling to tell the daily updates I have. The friends I’ve been having some insecurities/issues with were hanging out today, and I was invited but I said no because I wanted to recharge my social battery. I was feeling pretty upset, as I had felt like an afterthought, and not someone they actively thought about while planning hangouts. I was generalizing this to my other friendships, and I was feeling pretty shitty overall.

At the same time, I had two people ask me to go to the gym, one person asked me to study together, and a girl asked to come over and cuddle and then some. The next day, the same friend I was insecure about was drunk texting me trying to get me to come hang out with them. I was insecure about everything for virtually no reason. I think a more important thing I realized was I don’t necessarily see those friends as close friends anymore, but rather as people I might hang out with occasionally.

I finally got a chance to go to the gym seriously again today, and I pushed myself super hard to the point where I had to stop at 3 separate points to avoid a cramp. I finally got that sweet sweet endorphin rush again, and it was nice because while recovering from these injuries I haven’t been able to really work out, and I had been losing the motivation to continue. I’ve been pretty afraid of that, so I’m glad I had a good day at the gym today.

Oh well! CBT time:

Situation: I am avoiding making a hinge, even though I am getting validation left and right currently.

Thoughts: If I make a hinge and get no matches, I will feel like nothing has changed since the last time I made a hinge, meaning that I have not “glowed up”, and I am still undesirable.

Feelings: I instantly feel sad, because the fact I am so afraid of this means that I believe the fear somewhat. I feel like I am powerless to get into a relationship, and that there is something fundamentally unlovable about me that prohibits me from being in a relationship.

Behavior: I create this self-fulfilling prophecy where I convince myself people can not like me. From this, I end up single for longer – which reinforces this idea.

If I stop being a coward:

Thoughts: Every time I’ve made dating apps, I get at least a few matches no matter what. I have recently gotten an overwhelming amount of female attention, so I should put that to good use and start dating. Also, I have nothing to lose if I don’t tie my self-worth to success on dating apps.

Feelings: Fuck it, just send it.

Behavior: I take back some control of this aspect of my life, and worst case I have one less regret.

Love you Anshuman, even on the days it’s hard to ♥