An Open Letter

I hosted a game night again tonight, and I had 11 other people over. Honestly I didn’t feel like I had a great time, I think it’s fair to say I had a good time, but I feel like I’ve spent so much of my time and effort hosting and organizing this event And afterwards I kind of just wonder about why I even do it in the first place. I feel kind of socially isolated when I have to host the games because of the nature of it, and I know that G offered to run one of the games which is really nice but also a lot of information I’m not sure I can just give it to someone and have them understand instantly. I guess I also did focus a little bit too much on the game itself rather than conversations outside of it, but I also do feel like the people that came were almost a majority of people that are kind of difficult to talk with, they don’t make jokes, they aren’t really good conversationally, and mostly are just useful as side characters for a lack of better word. It also kind of feels shitty because people wanted to drink and so they drink the alcohol that I had, a wine bottle and the rest of my beers. And no one even tried to make a gesture bringing anything, or even offering to pay payback for the stuff that they drank. J did say that he would buy me another case of beer in five weeks or something like that I didn’t really hear. At the end of the night everyone left, and a couple kind of awkward/obligatory thank yous for inviting them, and only J texted me to say thank you for hosting. I then had to go and clean up everything myself when I was still hungry, tired, and my feet are killing me from walking around most of the event. I had to go through and do all the dishes and put away all of the things that people went through. J asked me if she could have some sour patch kids because she knew that I had a bag, and that was completely OK. S went and took just the blue ones from the bag and was really disrespectful about it and completely acted entitled. And I remembered the fact that that bag of sour patch kids was from the first present E gave me during our relationship. And it hits me now because I think about how my last birthday I didn’t really have many of the friends that I do now so it’s not fair, but I did have friends then. And did any of them get me anything for my birthday? No. Hell I think most of them didn’t even tell me happy birthday. And I just feel like I have been doing so many of the right things, I have been this social hub, I’ve fought to make myself the person that I am, and it feels like I do so much and I try so much and at the end of the day it isn’t enough. Like fuck. I really try my best to be loved. Or at least I try really hard to be. And I think about how in obsession there is the scene where she holds him while he dies from overdose suicide. And she desperately doesn’t want that to be the case, and I just couldn’t help but think about how no one would do that for me. And I know that’s not true to some extent, but my brain is still just reminding me about how I don’t really feel like I get the love I deserve. And I feel like it’s a shitty thing to even expect to deserve some amount of love, but I can’t help but sometimes see people online that have everything that I dreamed of when I was a kid. They have these friends around them that are super sweet and thoughtful, and they can have these birthday parties where the other people want to be there, to the point where they would even want to organize it for them. And I can’t help but feel like my entire life I had to fight to convince people to care about me in a way that just seems so inherently effortless for others. And I can’t feel like I don’t know what they did to deserve it that I didn’t. And the worst thing is I know that a lot of this just comes down to childhood, people grew up learning that they inherently just deserve to be loved, because that’s what their parents showed them. And then it’s an even bigger slap to my face because what the fuck did I do to not deserve it. And it just ends with a thought I was just a kid. And it makes me want to cry when I think about the fact that it feels like all of these other people just get to take this for granted, having friends, having these friend groups, not having to fucking fight for it, not having to like consciously work incredibly hard towards it. And I’m tired. I’m tired that I’ve had to do this shit as long as I can remember, and I’m glad that I do it and I’m glad that I’m not fully alone and completely just powerless, but I also wish that the world was a little bit more fair. And I know that a lot of these troubles and friction has been given to me in return for having these strengths now. And I know that these are some of the things that make me the person that I am in a way that a lot of people are envious of or admire me for. But it hurts. And I feel myself tearing up as I say these words with voice to text. But I don’t like the fact that I always feel different. I don’t like all of this constant second Justin trying to figure out this social contract that so many people got to have taught to them as a kid. And yes I’m glad that I’m a high achiever and I’m glad that I have the financial support from my dad, and I’m glad that I’m smart, but I’m also really hurt by the fact that what it feels like the most important thing in life, human connection, is the thing that I’m fucked over for. It feels like everyone else gets to coast at a natural level, while I have to constantly run to keep up. And it’s gotten easier I think, it feels like it does even take effort for others. And it feels like I’m putting in so much work for such a little reward when I see the people that are born fortunate. And I know that it’s hypocritical to say that because plenty of people would say the exact same thing towards me. I’ve had so many people tell me about how it’s unfair how I’m naturally good at so many different things. I’ve had so many people tell me about different traits that they wish they could have that I get to have. I know that I’m so incredibly exceptionally fortunate and people would kill to swap lives with me. But I feel like the chemical defect that has been passed out to me, it makes it such a shitty hand, because even though I’m winning the game, I’m somewhat doomed. I think about how there are so many people that have much worse circumstances, and yet there are people that really do not want to die. And here I am in my castle, and my entire life I’ve been dealing with thoughts of suicide. And in a way I kind of take comfort in it because it’s always like a justification that I have something to complain about because if I’m willing to kill myself over it, that is more than what most people are willing to do to get away from it. Can I think about how my grandma commit suicide recently even though she’s similarly has so many things people would kill for. And that condition has been passed down to me. And on top of it a lot of the generational trauma has also been passed down to me. And I know that I’ve been given a lot of the tools to help fight it that my predecessors have not had, but a lot of my peers don’t have to fight it either.

I wish someone could truly acknowledge everything that I’ve done. How hard I’ve fought. How much I’ve done and given to become the person that I am now. And I know that it is virtually impossible for anyone to be able to understand all of it. And I know that it’s unreasonable to hope that someone can recognize any of it. But it feels like I’ve tried so fucking hard and when I want to die it feels like I have nothing to show for it. And it scares me because I’m not suicidal right now, but at the same time I had a thought popping into my head where if I owned a gun I would not be opposed to just killing myself. And I guess here I should employ one of the things my therapist recently told me which is when I have one of these thoughts that feels irrational, just ignore it until tomorrow, because I know that there’s a lot of different factors going on right now that caused my depression to get worse, and if it is a real thought it will still be here tomorrow. Because my brain started thinking about suicide again let me do a skill.

S: I hosted this event and I had to deal with people taking it for granted, a lot of shitty responses that made it difficult for me to host, and no help afterwards or really recognition.

T: I do so much and it’s fully taken for granted and I’m exhausted of this. And it’s not fair that I have to do all this additional stuff by myself.

F: I feel helpless, desperate, alone, and exhausted.

B: I host events less, I undo a lot of the social connections that I have been building up by doing this work, and I isolate myself more.

T: yes it is a lot of additional work that I do, and in the future I can ask for more help. I also have control over the people that I want to invite. There are people that I really do enjoy interacting with and I can spend more time with people like that. Additionally it’s not completely that I have to do these things, it’s the fact that I get to do these things. I get to have a house that I clean, I get to have a table that I have to re-organize, I get to have drinks that I can give to people. I am not forced to do any of these things against I will, and I have control over them.

F: still tired, but I feel less powerless.

B: maybe I take a break from hosting big events with low ROI people. I still however feel in control and I get to socialize at will.

I feel better after just venting like this, and also doing the CBT chart. I should start brushing now and go to bed. Thank you for doing the CBT chart though and the skill.