An Open Letter

Is it weird to say that I actually kind of feel proud of the fact that I missed a day? Like that means that I was so busy and occupied with things that I forgot. Yesterday I had friends over again, and then I went to a candlelight concert with other others. Even though I originally didn’t really want to go, I’m incredibly happy that I did because from that a lot of other things spawned, including potentially having a group of people to play music with! It was really nice to feel like my life is starting to have some structure and find groups of friends to do things with, and it’s something worth noting how it comes from strange ways that I would not have expected ahead of time. Today I’m going to San Jose for my work trip, and I am pretty packed which is nice, because I do expect that at least a part of me will hurt from the fact that I was supposed to go up with E, and also visit her family. And saying that out loud reminds me the fact that she must have just finished her quarter, and is now on break for a little bit. That shouldn’t matter to me, and I guess it doesn’t. It’s just one of those memories that still sits in my head unused now. I think I’ve accepted the fact that this relationship was pretty toxic to me, because I’ve put up with a lot more than I should have, and it is not an appropriate thing to have my feelings and concerns consistently brought up and argued or invalidated, eventually followed with an apology without accountability or follow up. I think that put me into a pretty rough cycle of hoping that this time no excuses come up and she actually follows through, but that isn’t something that I should wait around for in the future. I feel like I’m starting to beat a dead horse at this point, but I am grateful for the experience as a whole.