An Open Letter

This is right now my status, a lyric from the song Lydia – Highly Suspect. I think it’s a fairly poetic way of describing how I feel right now that I’m content shamelessly stealing. The general idea of what this line means to me is attempting something so completely pointless (shooting at the sun), which ends up with the unintended consequence of the bullet coming back down and potentially hitting someone, doing something terrible. It’s this general feeling of being so horribly overwhelmed with something to the point where you’re just so desperate for something to change you do something with no regard for consequences or if it’ll actually work. I find myself in this pattern fairly often, and it usually ends up with me injuring myself and needing to rest to recover which is miserable. Yesterday I was filled with so much rage and energy at night while listening to this song. At some point I grabbed my plastic chopsticks and was drumming along to it but somehow one of them shattered off, and then I just started smashing them against the counter until they were both in several pieces. I just threw the pieces down across my room. I don’t even know if I can say I don’t like this rage and anger because at least I have energy to do something instead of just sitting and rotting away losing more of my life. This morning in my martial arts class the warmup was a cardio drill which involved hitting a pad with the bamboo sticks. I just put as much hate and anger I could into them and just hit it as hard as I could until I had to run back and redo the circuit. That was so insanely cathartic for me, since I had been just itching to hit something of break something or just get this rage out of me somehow. I wanted to shoot at the sun.