An Open Letter

Here is gonna be another weird post in a long line of weird posts, I’m also using voice to text like I have been recently so future me if you’re reading this and there are typos good luck. I actually kind of think it’s a little bit funny if I purposely don’t correct them and I don’t even read over it so enjoy that bit future me. Today was the eighth day after the breakup and it was really hard again. I recognized that even if I’m aware of it I keep falling back into this trap of over intellectualizing, because it’s otherwise terrifying to just feel this horror and this tightness and this pain in my chest and my stomach and nausea and the crippling pain that it gives me, and not really do anything about it. It almost feels like depression in a way where there has to be some kind of action to stop the feeling otherwise it will be inevitable, but grief is fundamentally different than that. Sometimes you just have to drain these feelings slowly, and you can either suppress it as much as you can and let it leak out over years, or you can also let yourself face the emotions at a pace that you can. And so another kind of important thing I wanna let you know about and I know that you know this because you are future me, but I just wanna remind you Dash crying helps a lot. Get yourself to that point where you can, and then just break down crying. I promise you you will feel better afterwards.

I wonder if that line worked for me. I watched a couple school of life videos on love, and I think I’m drilling this idea in different ways into my head and I’m very grateful for that. I think I need to learn to be much more picky with love, in the sense that I should not accept things that are not reciprocal. I’ve often told myself that I am an exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. I’ve often told myself that I am a exceptional person in several different ways, and I apologize for the wrong grammar but I said that while I was still flushing out the thought. But I’ve often told myself that I’ve had a very rough childhood emotionally, which has been something that’s a sink or swim experience and has very much given me a lot of benefits in the sense of emotional insight and maturity and so forth. I’ve told myself also that these are things that I often don’t see too much in people around my age, and so I cannot really expect in a relationship. But at the same time, I exist I am fundamentally not special, meaning I am not unique in this. And that means that there will be other people out there that can match me in these ways. There will be some wonderful girl out there that has a great sense of humor, has this emotional intelligence and the ability to introspect and talk about these things even when they don’t apply to her the same way that I do with myself. There will be someone that will be incredibly kind to me, and that will treat me the way that I treat them. There will be someone where I won’t have to worry about teaching them certain things or fixing their problems for them. I really need to remind myself that I have this pattern from childhood of feeling like I need to fix a relationship and make it work, because they’ve given me love and that is my only avenue for it. I have this feeling because I grew up and you don’t get to choose your parents, you just had to deal with Mama and you had to do whatever you could to keep the peace and try to receive love if you dare to try. But the big difference is I am an adult now and I’m not a child. I’m not forced to work it out with some partner because they are there the same way my mom was. I have the freedom to get up and leave. And I think that’s fundamentally so incredibly important. And I think this is kind of why the advice of being comfortable with the thought of not being in a relationship even indefinitely is important. If I truly can be happy and content in my life without the idea of a relationship, then I do not feel like I am forced to put up or accept whatever offer is currently in my hands. Because I don’t have any sort of guarantees on things like relationships or stuff like that the fear of ending up alone is terrifying, but that is precisely what keeps me from finding someone who would be incredible for me. And remember that the love you accept is the love you think you deserve. I stayed with E for so long because I thought that was the love that I deserved, and I have been starved for it my whole life. But I know that I deserve more than that, and I understand that you cannot choose the circumstances of your birth you cannot choose the love that you’re given as a childhood or the childhood that you’re given overall. But what you can do is you can choose the people that you give your love to and that you hold close to your heart. Do not rush into love, and do not seek it so desperately. Because then you will have the ability to really choose correct correctly. Remember that this is the most important interview of your life, and it only needs to work once. You are feeling a seat not an entire bus. I love you so much and I hope that you love yourself even more than I do right now.