An Open Letter

Kinda funny how that’s inherently ironic. I’m feeling bad again and I think I’m putting too much expectation on Emma. This is one of those things I need to be brave about and accept, because running from it would only confirm its existence. But I also wonder what it could look like to feel hot. Or wanted. Like someone wanted to put their hands on me. Or saw me, past just promises of it. I keep having this hope but I’m afraid that it’s a repeat of a big promise and a let down. Then the hope rides onto the next promise.

She said she wanted something and so I looked into it and ordered it immediately for her. She wouldn’t do the same for me or close to it, and maybe that’s a good thing. But I realize how it hurts feeling one sided like this. Part of me falls for this idea that if I do enough then I’ll receive more. But that’s also not really true is it? People aren’t aware of other people and I’m the same so it’s not something I can fault. So I guess I’m just sad at the universe, circumstance, myself, or whatever other target you prefer to choose. I’m breathing out sighs of relief at the bare minimum sometimes. And then I’m stressing about meeting her bar. And I’m not listening to her either there. I set myself up for these traps and then I blame others for not noticing and saving me. Who do I have to blame but myself?

I don’t like feeling this way, I feel like I’m expecting too much but also like I’m doing too much for what I’m getting back. And I know this is something I’ve talked about with my therapist, because I’m very aware emotionally I think I’m very good nvm she’s here