An Open Letter

I learned that I'm supposed to move on. And I learned a couple different ways of doing that, one of the ways was to act like they had died and grieve that. But I guess it's pretty hard because I know she's not dead. Open watching a good amount of videos on a different set of topics, things from her perspective, things from my perspective, things from relationship in the future stuff like that. I also learned that I over intellectualized the break up, and because of that I was able to shield myself from grief. And so I'm back to letting myself feel that grief.

I was watching a video on YouTube an old lady reading something called. Let them, just let them. And I think it's a pretty simple concept that I think would benefit me a lot to really internalize. I spent a lot of time in the relationship and I put up with a lot of stuff because I really wanted things to work, for the sake of things working. I think I also took on the role of a caretaker a lot, and I tried to fix her. I think I took a lot of responsibility and I told myself that I had a lot of agency on the things that she was kind of deficient in, and instead of trying to move on, I instead almost made her a pet project in a way of trying to make her want to change and become the person that I hoped I could spend a future with. But you cannot make a horse drink water. All you can do is lead it to it. I think there's a certain kind of grief in accepting the fact that I cannot save her, and additionally accepting the fact that if she chooses to get better, maybe I can take some amount of credit for being part of that catalyst, but at the same time it's not because of me.

It was a really weird thing, when I was using ChatGPT as a sounding board, one of the questions it asked me was how would I feel if in two years she got better emotionally. Like she had healed and fixed a lot of the issues that caused our relationship to fail. And weirdly I didn't feel good about it and I don't really know why if I'm being honest. I think the low hanging fruit I would guess is that I would be upset that I didn't get to experience that version of her. And I guess another part of me would feel like I tried really hard to give her that grace and give her the tools to fix her issues, but she just didn't. And then in this hypothetical, she then did. It's a weird thing because I've said a lot that I want the best for her and I want her life to go well, but when I think about her in a relationship with another person, especially if it's recent, it hurts. I think that's also just a very natural thing of course but it still hurts. I think I want to know that I was special to her, and I guess part of me is still hanging onto those words that she would always tell me of how I was the one and how she doesn't know how she could live without me. But I guess that's the caretaker. I think I also thought a lot about the fact that part of the reason why I felt like she loved me a lot was because I took care of her in those ways. I would give her a lot of grace, I would tolerate a lot of things, I would regulate her emotions, I would try to fix her where I could. And I remember that in the most recent fuck up, I had a really weird thought that I didn’t like it. My brain told me at some point that she was going to make up for this so much, and I would essentially receive so much love and affection from that. Almost like my needs, and even just my wants would be met, because she almost owed me in a way. And that thought disgusted me immediately even in the moment. That's not at all what love should be like and I really don't think that's how I viewed things either. I really hope not.

I started to cry when I was driving home from hanging out with a friend, and I kind of triggered it on my own. I put my hand off to the side like I would when we were driving, and I would hold her thighs. And then I would put my hand where I would've held her hand on the center console. I told myself that I lost my passenger princess. And that was enough to make me start crying again. I went to the food place that we went to together a lot when I first moved here. I thought about how we parked in almost the same spot and she would get into my car and we would eat our food while watching a YouTube video together. But it's almost like I've ran out of tears. I heaved and I cried, but not many tears came out.

I cried a lot yesterday when I put some of the last keepsakes into the trash bag that I have now stored into the shed. I also put lemon, which was the stuffed animal that she bought to cuddle at my place. And it felt kind of fucked because lemon kind of became my stuffed animal in a way. I've never really been super attached to a stuffed animal, but part of me feels really guilty for keeping it in that shed, especially when I've cuddled it so many nights. Maybe the kindest thing that I could do is rehome lemon. Part of me wants to of course keep lemon, and it's weird because it doesn't even feel like it's super strongly tied to her, like lemon is its own thing in my mind. But then I also think about all of the photos and all of the times that she cuddled lemon. All the times that I would see her sleeping so peacefully cuddling it. You know it would make me sad sometimes because she would cuddle lemon and Hash would be trying to snuggle up with her on the side. And I would always wonder how she could choose stuffed animal over Hash. Sometimes she did cuddle Hash though and it made me really happy to see that. And just like that, I've started to cry again. I feel a lot of obligation towards my dog, Hash. And I really want to make sure that any partner I have in the future is loved by him, and absolutely loves him back. Honestly, a part of me feels like another reason why I'm glad I made this decision was because when she was breaking up with me and going through my house with her roommates, she said bye-bye Hash in a very light tone, like she had emotionally distanced herself from him. And I just don't understand how you could love a dog and dismiss them so easily. Her roommates even were making jokes about stealing him. And how their cat would beat him in a fight. I don't care how much she was mad at me, or how much she needed the relationship to end. She should never have even considered any kind of malintent towards him. That's my baby. And at the end of the day, I really do mean that way more than whenever I would say that towards her. Hash should never have been disregarded or caught by the conflict we had. And I think that's enough of a reason for me to understand that maybe she wasn't the one for me. And it hurts a lot because I think Hash is like me in a lot of ways. I went through camera roll and I found photos of her with Hash sleeping under her lap while she was doing homework. And there's so many photos of them together. And Hash really loved her so much, just like I did. But I think sometimes there were just periods where, for whatever reason she wouldn't be well, and she would hurt us. I think at the end of the day, I really do deserve someone who wouldn't do that to me. I deserve to be loved, in a gentle way. In a way where I don't need to take care of someone else and keep them emotionally grounded. In a way that I don't need to convince them or explain to them how they've hurt me, but rather it comes from a place of compassion and curiosity. And I'm not saying that E didn't love me at all. But I don't think she loved me in the healthiest of ways, and I also agree that I don't think I loved her in those same ways. I also don't know if I believe if love conquers all. Because I think if she truly loved me, she would've helped herself. She would've done the work to overcome the problems that she had, at the same time, maybe those problems were just more than her love could handle. And so she did love me, but I think she was struggling a lot. And maybe the kindest thing she could've done in that situation was to let me go. And the problem is I didn't want to let go. And so I think the even kinder thing she did for me was to take it so far that I would have no choice. And maybe that was what I needed. I really poke in my future relationships. I'm able to set boundaries and I'm able to take time and make sure that the person I choose to be with next is someone who is good for me.