An Open Letter

The feelings have gone away, and I notice that it’s almost because resentment fills in the empty space. While we’re in person, I feel great and connected, but remotely it feels very distant. I don’t think that this is a bad thing and I hope this doesn’t seem like I’m blaming her or saying she’s doing something wrong, but at least for me I think I would want a partner who actively wants to interact with me. I really value when people initiate, and realizing that I’m playing these weird games of wanting to regulate my responses exhausts me. She doesn’t respond to all of my texts, and when she does it’s very delayed — and since I’m the kind of person to respond when I see a notification, and I have access to my phone a lot of the day, I end up responding way faster. I start to overthink this then as it feels like I’m like a dog waiting for her command. I start to realize that it’s a problem when I started again thinking about solutions as in randomizing delays for her notifications, so that I don’t respond quickly, but also I don’t get overwhelmed with unanswered notifications pending. But the easier solution is just take a step back mentally from them, I think she may be an avoidant type of person, and she’s great to hang out with — just maybe not to rely on. I want to restate to myself that I am not some desperate person hoping for someone to latch onto. I realized that my problem has somewhat shifted, where recently I’ve had to face the issue of politely rejecting people instead of ghosting them. I also have had resounding positive feedback from many different people, including people in relationships. I honestly just enjoy building my garden, and I’m not too preoccupied with catching butterflies. I think this is the best way to go about it, since chasing something often has ways of making it seem harder than it has to be. I guess if I confront the fear of being late to a relationship, I kinda realize how it feels scarier than it should be. If I’m happy regardless, why should it matter? And is it something that is so bad that should warrant neglecting other parts of my life to rush myself into someone who may not be that compatible with me? I know that I love easily, and that someone really doesn’t have to be even close to perfect for me to truly love them — and while that’s a good thing, that doesn’t mean that I should settle for someone who is below some reasonable threshold for satisficing. Plus I have the nice safety net of being a successful man, I think my odds only improve the more time goes on, so I don’t need to worry about missing some peak or anything like that. I guess I don’t have the heart in me to give my word that I’m giving up on N, but I think I’m stepping back. Maybe this is one of those friends who I get along with great in person and then I kinda forget about until they’re back in person. Like A, or F even. Same with S, L & N kinda, and the list goes on. I’m happy that I can feel these things, but it’s probably better saved for someone who feels similarly to me. Love shouldn’t feel like you are convincing them of it. I’ll happily wait until she’s as nervous as I am about her.