An Open Letter

Today I just decided fuck it. I’m going to go for a one rep Max on bench press, because I right now I am not doing a program and I am trying to find a coach. I got 295 On bench, and I honestly didn’t feel anything because I honestly expected myself to have a lot more in me. It has been like six months since my last bench press PR and I have been doing powerlifting training, and I know that I haven’t been working at lower weights, but it kind of does hurt to feel like I was only able to get 10 more pounds. Especially because I gave it three more minutes and then I tried with 300 pounds, and that did not get a foot off my chest. I also know that I am kind of sick, I did not really get much sleep last night, and I also did not eat a ton of food ahead of time. And I also did not take much for rest. But I really want to be strong. I don’t know the last time I really had a dream for something, but a little part of me thinks how cool it would be to have a team USA singlet. Actually being competitive in something again and being cool like that. But it’s kind of hard when it feels like I have been working at this and maybe not going out at the right way, but it feels like I’m not really getting stronger and maybe at some point there is a genetic limit. And I know that I can get way stronger, but maybe I just am not able To be a team USA powerlifters. And I don’t really want to think about me not being able to do something, because I really want to believe that if I put my mind to something I can get it. But that’s what makes me so afraid to have this dream, because when I don’t give my word to it, it’s like confirmation that I really do not believe in myself in that sense.