An Open Letter

Doomsday happened, and it was ok. I did end up crying 3 times at work which is hilarious because I don't think I've cried 3 times in a day before in my life, so hey! Progress.

I dropped V off at the airport, and he helped me understand what a good friend is like. A’s flight got cancelled and since I was there I ended up giving her a ride back and offering for her to stay in my apartment for the night. In front of my face she called someone else after saying she felt guilty for using him so much, and asked to stay at his house. I think once the initial hurt and frustration went away I think I can understand why, after all we really aren't that close and she probably can get a full bed or something there and not have to sleep on the floor with a dog. But also I think that kind of broke me out of my idealized world, and I got to see things a little more lucid. She has been a pretty bad friend from an outside perspective, but I still enjoyed the relationship. But also I'm kinda free to not feel bad or worry about anything because there's been a couple points which have showed she doesn't really consider me a friend, at least in my sense. And so to respect myself I'm not investing in this but rather just using this as an experiment to learn from. I got a little bit of exposure therapy by asking her to pay for part of the gas for the ride back which she begrudgingly accepted. Also I think I got a little bit more but that sweet sweet experience of doing something nice while knowing I will get no reward or return, and so I know I'm genuine. After she refused to give me a little candy that she brought 3 of (after she has eaten countless snacks that I have brought, and has accepted numerous rides for free) I still bought her a taco from Taco Bell because we were drunk and she was hungry but couldn't justify spending money for it herself. I would like to be an unapologetically kind person, and I want to work towards that. I think I struggle with a sense of community because of my childhood, but a benefit of that is how I didn't need to conform to my surroundings and I grew up as I did. I had plenty of time to think, and after all if I think the point of life is to experience as much as you can, then what better way than this. I'm nowhere near perfect, but I have raised myself to be someone I am proud of. I can go to sleep at night and be happy with myself.

Weirdly, seeing how A has been treating me made the clouds part. That combined with talking it out with people who love me.