An Open Letter

It's been a while and it hasn't really gotten better. I have brief stretches of nothingness surrounded by cold waves that crash down on my chest. It feels almost cruel how having a chance to breathe is such a soft, passive thing while starting to drown is incredibly violent.

I think a schedules helped me a lot, but I still feel like I'm moving through honey. Things that used to make me happy now become a viscous barrier I have to force myself through. I wake up and I feel like I'm chained to something every time I move. If I don't force myself, I end up passing hours just rotting in the same place, doing nothing. I feel horrible, tired, and hopeless.

I also have a belt constrained around my lungs. I'm paralyzed by this feeling of dread – almost like a train crawling to a stop towards me, and I'm standing there frozen on the tracks. All I can see is this impending doom, and I'm powerless to move out of its way. It feels ironic how I'm more afraid of a small inconvenience compared to the idea of not existing anymore.

I was in a Costco line waiting to pick up my dogs medication, and I just felt an overwhelming desire to cry. The worst part is I knew I couldn't. Things have been fucking rough lately, and I just don't have a way to put any of this weight down. I talked with my dad about trying other experimental treatments, and that's somewhat fizzled out. I feel resigned to my fate – I don't have the energy to try to change things. I was sitting in the gym today waiting for something I didn't know before starting my set. The weight was almost comically light, and I knew it. But I still was just paralyzed by something I couldn't figure out. I permanently feel in the state of having just enough energy to sit down and never enough to get back up. I think if I didn't have routine I wouldn't be able to do anything. Hell, without Hash I don't think I'd wake up or get out of bed.

I'm tired. I really am. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired. God gave me everything I asked for and I'm still in pain. I've started thinking about God more recently, I think I need to believe there's someone there for me who has a plan. Because I can't really see anything for myself in the future. I can't even see myself in an hour. I'm trying I really am, but I feel myself losing slowly, piece by piece I'm being whittled down.