An Open Letter

I made my dish today for the potluck dinner. It came out really badly and I almost started crying. I know that it’s not just this dish and it’s more realistically the fact that I haven’t been able to work out for the last two days and I also have been sleeping really late the last two days because of me going out and doing things with friends. I’ve been really busy and I guess I’m grateful for that, but also I just feel like such utter shit right now. I tried to make a kebab dish and my kebab completely fell apart and I ended up just making overly salty ground Lamb. I’m worried that people are going to make shitty comments or treat me in a patronizing way, which is somewhat fair because they are better cooks than I am. But I just feel a lot of shame and judgment and I’m trying to learn how to cook and it sucks because I never had someone to teach me. I didn’t get to cook with my parents growing up or anything like that and so it’s hard. There’s a lot of things that seem really normal or intuitive that you just learn overtime that I don’t know and it sucks because I feel like this has happened a pretty good amount of times where someone makes fun of me for something like that where I have inexperienced. And it hurts because it feels like even more for a reason for me to want to quit. It feels like someone is making fun of me and treating me like an idiot but I really am trying. And it’s scary for me to do things like this, I’m very out of my element and I’m incredibly anxious and I’m still here trying to make these dishes and shit like that, even though people make jokes about me being bad at cooking and trying to make a simple recipes. And I kind of said myself up for them, so I can’t play too much of a victim if I’m being honest. But I wish that the world would be kind of gentle to me today. I both don’t really want anyone to eat my dish, but I also feel already anxious about the shame of taking back a completely untouched Tupperware at the end of the night. I’m going for a little bit just to have said that I went, but I just wanna leave and I brought my gym clothes and headphones so that right afterwards I can finally go to the gym and I’m hoping that that will help me.

I sent the title as what I did because I was listening to the part of famous profits where it almost moved me to tears today, and I really love this part of the song and it just felt hollow. I thought to myself that depression is taking away my enjoyment of music again, and I would give so much to have those notes back. And then I also thought about how I shredded and flushed away the evidence of my relationship when I was in middle school with my best friend, and I wish that I had a copy of all of those coated love letters because that was one of the best memories I think I had and I would have loved to still have those notes also. I’m also driving right now. The same route that I used to go to see E and it doesn’t hurt, and my memory of her is fairly distant. It’s something that I have to pull rather than push away. And I think that’s a good sign at least that I have been able to heal past a breakup in the same way that every breakup always hurts people. That’s it about that. I don’t really wanna talk more about my ex. I did tell. J that I felt like shit because of my dish and I almost cried and she FaceTime me. I didn’t really expect that but I picked up and we just talked a little bit about random kind of stuff. Nothing too serious but me kind of just explaining that I felt like shit. She told me she would have my back and I’m really grateful for that. I know that the dish in this whole dinner really doesn’t matter and it’s more just a combination of the lack of sleep and exercise and exhaustion and lack of time for myself, but the thought of a friend, knowing that I am insecure about cooking and I feel bad about my dish and purposefully eating more of my dish and telling me that they like it even if I know it’s a lie. I think the idea of someone caring about me that much makes me want to cry and it sucks because I’m just about here and I am tearing up again, but it’s a very sweet thought to think about someone loving me and caring about me that much. And it’s such a stupid thing just eating and overly salty ground Lam dish but the thought that someone wants me to feel OK and not like a fucking failure when it comes to stuff like this is enough to make me cry, I guess. I don’t even know what is a realistic bar or something I can hope for or where this even lays in respect to that. I think it would be such a beautiful thing to feel safe and a place where I am accepted. What a strange dream.