An Open Letter

I came home from Chess club where the girl I’m talking to was there and I spent most of the day with her. I played games with friends. I learned Catan, laughed a lot and won even though I was getting bullied with the robber. I have the problem of too many friends that want to come over for my game night, and I don’t even see it as a blessing I’m that desensitized to it. For fucks sake, I am trying to be conservative with the people I invite and there are 18 people that want to come over. I am in the best physical shape of my life, I am surrounded by friends, I am healthy, I have my therapist, Work is going well, Hash is with me, and I am not struggling financially.

And I added to the playlist of songs during which I considered killing myself. And I’m right now laying in bed, trying to cry. I won the board game that I don’t care about winning, I really don’t care about winning games. And I feel like I was ganged up on for being ahead. And it stuck in my mind, I was upset about being ganged up on, and to cope I told myself that I just win, and it sucks that naturally people have to team up against that. And it’s stupid because it doesn’t matter I don’t care about winning a random game. And I wasn’t being excluded. I’m loved and I’m wanted. The girl that I thought was cute, and I was trying to approach is the one that asked me for my number today so that we could keep talking even if she uninstalled the Instagram app. She told me that she kept the app to be able to talk with me. And I’m unhappy. And I listen to these songs that resonate so much about beating soap up and having so much self loathing. And I wanna beat myself up now for being so fucking difficult. Why can’t I just be happy. There’s nothing that should hurt me. And so why does it hurt so much.