An Open Letter

It’s been a while since I’ve written something of substance I feel like so I guess today is that day. I feel like I’m more and more coming towards the conclusion that I am not really interested in K In the way that I would hope I would be for a partner and I know that my brain can be irrational and I’m kind of feeling a little bit low right now and so I’m not rushing to anything and I’m waiting for my therapy session to talk friends and such, but I feel like she hasn’t even done anything to egregiously wrong, but there’s just enough things that I realize it isn’t really what I’m looking for. I really dislike the fact that I just am not attracted to her in the way that I thought I was if I’m being honest. We went to the waterpark for our first day and I just didn’t really find myself attracted to her. I also thought she was a more confident person on first impression and more extroverted, but as I got to know her a little bit more, I recognize from the things that she said how she does still struggle with insecurities, and generally isn’t that extroverted or social. And I recognize that in my mind it more drifts towards Oh. I can fix that rather than it be something where I feel like wow that’s like admirable and I would like to be more like that. I also feel like she heavily depends on the friend group that she has, and that’s kind of it. She’s also pretty introverted according to her and doesn’t feel like that up with the kind of person that is best for me. I also feel like she is trying hard to get me to like her, which is nice, but at the same time it feels like it’s almost like she feels like I’m out of her league. And I kind of feel that way in someway. And I feel like myself I am settling for someone that is a really bad sign, enough for me to seriously reconsider everything. Especially this early on. I know that I’m also just not really feeling good so everything would be great, but I find myself almost avoiding her texts or dreading them. I find myself thinking about Moore and More how I can reject her or let her down easily with the minimal amount of pain to her. And I find more and more reasons to call it off rather than to continue. I think I will go on a second date, but I really don’t know if I see this as a relationship.

It sucks both because I feel bad for her, because I think she is really cool and personality wise. I think we get along pretty well, but I just can’t help myself from not really feeling attracted to her or being interested in her in that way. And I wish I could, but at the same time I still feel like I’m settling, and I feel like it would be one of those things where I would feel like I am punching down in someway. I just feel like if I have the option to swap lives with her I would never make that choice. And I feel like the fact that I don’t even consider that for a second makes me concerned. And I feel like a shitty person, even though I know that I’m kind of writing this to no one, but it really does feel like I am out of her league. I hate how much I’m stating that, but I guess it’s because I feel like I haven’t yet found the words to convey it in a way that I feel happy with. And I feel really vain and shallow, but I just don’t find myself interested in her, and it feels more like she is someone who wouldn’t really have a separate life aside for me that I would find fascinating. I feel like she meets a lot of the criteria for some of the basics I’m looking for, like kindness, a level of independence, and humor to some extent. But when I think about someone coming along in the future, that really does line up with a lot of the things that I want rather than the necessities, I feel like I would want to be with them rather than my existing partner if I decided to date K. And that is fucked up and not the kind of situation I would want to be in, and the fact that I don’t feel like K is that person to begin with is enough of an indication that I should listen to that. I still want to at least go in a second date and talk with my therapist, of course, but I feel like I’m more and more making up my mind.