I'm confused

I killed a plant once because I gave

it too much water. Lord, I worry

that love is violence.

-José Olivarez

I'm writing this with the intention of not sending this to you, so I can be honest.

It makes me sad to see you hurt and suffer alone. I want to be here for you, but you don't want that and I have no choice but to respect that.

I noticed in a private place you put your pronouns as she/him, and I thought I could indulge that part of you – but I feel like you would feel uncomfortable; I don't understand it as I wish there was some way for me to show you my perspective on it, but ultimately it's your wishes I want to respect.

I wish you'd come to me when you're struggling, so I could be there for you the way you've been for me. I'm at a crossroads because I can't try to force you to open up obviously, but I wish I could repay the kindness you've given to me time after time.

I thought of the poem, because I feel like any way I try to help you would just hurt you. I know it's not my battle to fight, but I wish I could somehow help. It feels unfair for you to help me so much and for me to just watch you struggle.

I guess the most I can do is tell you I'll be here for you in any way I can. I care about you big dog, I want the best for you.