An Open Letter

It’s 2 am, and I just got home from studying in the library for about 5 hours. I got home and recorded a video for my day 4 AoC walkthrough. I’ve gotten a lot of nice comments, someone even said I had a nice voice. That made me lowkey swoon, as I don’t really like the way my voice sounds.

I’ve gotten pretty anxious recently, I’ve noticed my physical tells are pretty frequent, and also mentally I have to force myself to do things socially. I honestly worry that I’m not being coherent a lot recently, like I’ll say something and not know if I said an understandable sentence. I used to be so eloquent, at least I would think of myself like that. But now I don’t know what’s happened. It’s hard to talk or write. I think I’m just too in my head.

Situation: I don’t want to go to the gym and workout

Thoughts: I just don’t have the energy or any motivation to. I’m tired.

Feelings: I feel like sleeping and stopping.

Behavior: I quit, and maybe stop going overall.

Thoughts: I told myself if I stop I’ll kill myself, because that’s just whats gonna happen anyway. There’s gonna be months where I have no energy ever, and no motivation to do anything. That’s where sheer willpower will make me do things. I can move my body, I can overcome my brain.

Feelings: This is going to hurt, but it’s mind over mind.

Behavior: I thug this shit out until I am less depressed maybe.

Love you, proud of you for sticking to things. It’s just like a muscle, keep doing things you want to do but have no motivation for. Goodnight, and I love you Anshuman ♥