An Open Letter

I’m getting ahead of myself by responding to things I haven’t even written down yet, so good luck to future me for keeping track of what I’m saying if you ever read this again. But at the same time you’re me so you probably get it lol. I often tell myself that I’m strong enough and that I can take it, as almost like a mantra whenever someone ends up wrongly hurting me while they are hurt for some other reason. This also comes out in more drawn out ways, like when friends aren’t supportive to me but enjoy when I am supporting them. In these moments I tell myself that I am strong enough to continue to be kind instead of being retaliatory, and giving them a taste of their own medicine. But I don’t really know if this is healthy, this might just be some retroactive justification for tolerating behaviors that I shouldn’t, and refusing to advocate for myself. I think there’s value in being kind no matter what, but I think this is a More romanticized version of me not being able to properly communicate what has hurt me. And it’s not that I don’t know what I could say, it’s more that I don’t want to lose people potentially, like today I didn’t really want to even post on my private story to friends how I was upset or that things hurt me because I was worried that someone there would see it and then get mad at me over how I was feeling. And then that bridge would be relatively burnt because it’s a new friendship, and still in the testing the water phase. I still ended up posting something venting about the night a little bit, and the person I organized it with that I was worried about was very receptive and validated my feelings which I really appreciate. I feel comfortable speaking with them which is really nice, and I guess something I’m not too used to honestly. I think this is a good topic to talk about in therapy tomorrow, about how I’m afraid of retaliation or disrupting the peace when I am hurt and so I don’t want to bring it up. I obviously see the causes for it from childhood, but I always value my therapists insights and knowledge on how to work on it.