Incoherent Ramblings

So this is just going to be a fully disjointed journal entry, I fully turned off my PC planning to sleep, and forgot to do my new routine, so finally ending with this.

I guess the first thing on my mind is body dysmorphia. It’s kinda back lmao. I realized while at the gym, or looking at myself in the mirror, I can see definitive changes – but at the same time the thought pattern seared into my neural pathways reminds me that I’m unattractive. I find it funny because every single person who has seen my physique now has complimented it, typically in resoundingly genuine ways. For example, a girl from my school saw my physique today and sent me a message saying how I was hot. She ended up getting my IG and, unfortunately, turned out to be a somewhat problematic person (but that’s another story). But also, several other girls have mentioned how I’m attractive, and other guys have mentioned how I have a nice body. I haven’t had any negative feedback, and positive to resoundingly positive feedback only. But I still feel unattractive, and like nothing has changed. When I look at myself while wearing clothes, or while not flexing, I see nothing different at all. Other people do, but I genuinely don’t get it. I still feel like I’m the unwanted child.

It’s frustrating in a silly way because on the one hand, I know how I’m being completely delusional and irrational, but on the other hand, it feels pretty miserable. Feels like Sisyphus if he wasn’t strong enough to even nudge the boulder. Oh, and Sisyphus is NOT happy. I might CBT here and just hide away the other thought at the end.

Situation: I feel like nothing has visibly changed with my body unless I am either naked or revealing stuff.

Thoughts: I feel like everything is futile, and that nothing will change. I am unable to become more desirable, and the lack of feedback confirms that. I am simply just unattractive, and people could not be into me.

Feelings: I feel like shit. I also lose confidence, and will behave as someone who thinks they are undesirable. I feel ugly, and I feel unloveable.

Behavior: I self sabotage. I won’t even try to pursue relationships, and on top of that I will avoid people who are interested.

Thoughts: Problem with earlier thoughts is I HAVE resounding feedback. And it’s all good! People find me attractive now, and people genuinely are attracted to my body. People can tell the difference, even if you don’t recognize it.

Feelings: I feel better. I feel a bit more loved by myself, as it’s more reasonable to believe this even if it does feel new. I’m loveable.

Behavior: I have more confidence, I pursue people, and am open to people showing intrest towards me. I have a much better chance at a happy relationship!

I’m always surprised how logical it comes off after I just apply this framework. No gaslighting needed! Love ya feet pics ❣️

Now for another sentiment I’ve held for a bit, and hopefully they don’t read. I realized one bad trait of someone close to me is how their word doesn’t mean much. It’s usually for harmless benign things, but it does feel a bit weird and it does make it easy for anxiety to get a hold on my mind at times. It typically is pretty small, like them saying the will do something or promising something and forgetting and not following through, but for some things it does make me sad. At one point they said they would email subscribe to this blog, after I pushed myself WAY out of my comfort zone to ask them to on advice from my therapist. They never did, even though I reminded them a few times. After the whole blog post series about that, I’ve come to terms with it and am fine with it, but it does kinda suck to know that something that meant a lot to me, and that I did my best to relay how important it was becomes something that’s forgotten and another empty promise. Kinda sucks, but in another way I’m glad they’re flawed too. It’s nice to know I’m not the only fallable person sometimes, and this is in a relatively harmless way. I am a bit worried though about how if something is important to me, and means a lot like it did then – I don’t think I have a way of making sure they don’t forget without being clingy and constantly reminding them. I feel like if they knew they wouldn’t mind, but I don’t feel comfortable asking if that’s fine. I spent a lot of time and effort on their birthday present, and they said they would take it with them overseas – I really hope they did (I don’t think they did).