It feels like I only go backwards

It's a weirdly overwhelming feeling. Like in a subtle creeping way. I just don't think I'm cut out for it sometimes. I know it's late and there's a huge handful of reasons why I shouldn't believe this, but I hear it nonetheless.

I guess in a weirdly poetic way today I was Cain in multiple different ways. I said that book changed my life but there weren't any tight little spirals this time. What have I done.

I sent the text to reneg on my revenge. I think regardless of this biblical punishment that's not the person I want to be, for my own selfish reasons. I'm cursed with the awareness and foresight to understand the consequences of my actions. But because of this what words or actions are actually mine? Everything is a careful decision, when except alone can I be free.

R – 3 breaths

E – I am stewing on potentially spiral worthy thoughts.

S – I don't want to give them up just yet, but I also shouldn't spiral. Let me indulge until tomorrow and then I'll process properly.

T – go to bed