It hit me
I had a video call with my dad earlier today to sort out insurance stuff. His hair is more white than black now. I know people always mention it, but it hasn’t hit me until today that he’s getting older and he may not be around forever.
I was eating food outside by myself like I normally do, and I decided to put my phone and headphones away to sit in the moment. I thought about the memory of me acting like I was asleep in the car, and Dada carrying me inside. I started to think about how I began to be alone before I had moved out. I think around like 7th grade. It ended up being fairly easy to adapt to college because it wasn’t a big change. I wonder how much it hurts for people who had connections like that at home.
I feel pretty alone if I’m being honest. I don’t know why it’s hitting me now. I just came back from a martial arts class with some friends, and have spent most of the day around other people. I just find myself sitting alone after it’s done or spending time alone. My memory is starting to go hazy. I think I may be getting depressed again. I’ll sit with this feeling and accept it for a little bit before I try to fix it like I always want to. I feel pathetic saying this but god I just want to be held like a kid again. I just want someone to lay there and hold me without it being a burden. I miss when I was in elementary school and I would get hugged by my family. That’s all I want right now. I just want to be held.