An Open Letter

That was the wedding ring she dreamed of, as that was her favorite stone. My question is what am I to do with that information, where do I put it?

I think one of the strengths of getting to live is to be able to love things in this world. It’s a weird thing to be saying this while confronted with the cost of such thing, but it still feels right to say. I really don’t know what else is more human than to love so willingly.

And this doesn’t need to be to other humans in the conventional sense. I have fallen in love with the soft and slow opening of a hihat, because of how it makes a song swell and carries it to a place through that vulnerability.

I’ve fallen in love with the sunlight on the nape of my neck. I couldn’t tell you a specific memory for it, but it’s something I’ve carved into myself – how the universe comes full circle to remind me about how the same warmth that came from a small space heater on the floor in a locked room exists everywhere. It’s a silent voice gently asking me if I can recognize the feeling, softly leading me out of depression. It’s love in the way I yearn for, and so patiently waiting for me when I forget.

I’ve fallen in love with the lessons that cause me so much pain. All of the places I see that remind me of the love I shared with E push on the wounds that have started to close up. They don’t push hard enough to reinjure me, but enough for it to hurt. That pain serves as a reminder to be proud of – how I went through something that was necessary and that present me is so thankful for. It’s a trophy given for doing something present me could not ask past me to go through, as I wouldn’t want to go through that again. But past me did go through it and the lessons I’ve learned unlock the life I’ve dreamed of. And I get to continue to carry the love for them with me, I can be proud and also happy thinking back to a Barnes and nobles where I got to show her how much I loved her and how I would be there for her. I’m proud of how I supported her, and I’m even more proud of the fact that I not ONCE had any thoughts of complaints, or anything but love and concern while sitting in that hospital room for hours. The only thing I cared about was protecting her however I could, and I’m grateful that I am that person.

I’ve fallen in love with the extremely loud and undignified laugh that I used to cringe at. I’ve gone from suppressing myself or avoiding hearing it to cherishing it now, and I don’t think that’s a small feat at all.

I’ve fallen in love with the office buildings down the street by the road, because as I walk and look at them, with enough flexibility they remind me of Minecraft servers I’ve built up with friends. Little towns with each their own stories and memories tied to them tucked away in my mind, waiting for a random screenshot or reminder to surface them again.

I’ve fallen in love with the concept of someone putting in so much care, love, thought, soul and life into something that has no promises of return. It’s such a beautiful bid for connection that I root for.

I’ve fallen in love with all of the endless things I could devote my life to and not fully explore. I get to see and experience so much in this world and I would never be able to go through it all. And is that not such a beautiful thing?

To my original question I don’t know what to do with all of this love that I’ve cultivated inside of me other than to hold onto it dearly with gentle hands.