An Open Letter

As I sit here crouched in front of my small heater in my bathroom, I remember what it was like growing up. I spent A lot of my memory crouched by the heater. Feeling that warmth was nice, like a surrogate embrace. I also really like warm showers for that reason, which is ironic because they’re bad for my skin. But I was thinking today how cruel it is that a shower cannot fully engulf me in that warmth. If I was to do that I would drown, and I think there’s something vaguely poetic about that. But only on a surface level, and I think that trope is so worn out that I feel ashamed even thinking it.

It’s weird but expected, I’m right now struggling with the excessive socialization I think. I’m kind of tired, and I feel a bit worn out. I also feel like I’ve lost myself in some ways. Like I don’t game as much as I used to do, not even close. And I think that’s not exactly a bad thing but it is strange to see the difference in myself. I’m supposed to practice smells like teen spirit for my band, but all I want to do is play angst. And I don’t wanna practice the drums like I know I should. I just wanna play guitar because it feels like a proxy for the voice that I’ve never learned how to use. And that’s also ironic because I can’t play the guitar that well all things considered.

Honestly I just want to indulge in self hate a little bit here. I guess maybe because if I do that then it’s a little bit more understandable why I feel shitty even after I did all the things right. I went out with a friend and I signed up for a new event that I was anxious about, and it didn’t go bad at all. But I’m tired. And I feel like the rejection from just being this social and reaching out in this many different ways is catching up to me.

I put a bubble cigarette in my Amazon cart, because I thought it would be really funny as a bit. But I keep finding myself drawn to just the idea of putting that cigarette between my lips. Not an actual cigarette, but just the idea of it is enough to make me want it.

I wish I was able to go to the gym today, like I had enough time to also be able to do that in addition to the event I went to. I feel like when I’m depressed in this sense, the healthiest form of self harm I can do is go to the gym and just take it out on my body. I really do like that pain. I know that it’s not good for muscular growth or fatigue, but I just really like the feeling of pushing myself until the pain is enough to take a forefront in my mind. And it feels so edgy to say it, but I don’t really know how else to describe it. It’s not a bad sort of pain, but it’s more like a physical ringing that continues to get louder and louder until it drowns everything else out. I just wanna get lost in something. I want that escapism. I want some path, and it’s kind of ironic because all things considered my life is not an all bad right now. I guess this persistent sadness that comes sporadically is what got me to where I am so I cannot complain too much.