An Open Letter

I had sex again today. I met someone that I vibe with as a friend and we were both on the same page and we ended up having sex twice. Things went well, and I found myself comfortable just hanging out with them afterwards while they were getting ready for something that I said, I would drop them off at. It felt like the kind of stuff. I guess I dreamed about in high school, just chilling on their bed while they get ready and I’m fucking around on my phone and we are making occasional jokes and just talking. And I feel like a normal person, and the way that I’ve kind of longed for. I wasn’t anxious or at least super anxious, I am attractive, and I have a lot of the fixed blessings in my life, where a lot of the difficulties came from things that I can control to some extent. And I remember as I was driving home. I felt a crash, and I thought about how the smell of sex was like shame of the sin that I had done. And it felt like it was washed over by the regret of my actions, but I reminded myself that there isn’t a shame, and there isn’t sin. It’s just the smell of sex that I don’t necessarily enjoy too much. And it’s the physical sensation of just being a bit raw and dry skin combined with weird latex lubes. But I didn’t send and I didn’t do anything wrong, and there isn’t anything to regret today. But I feel like I almost have this compulsion to feel bad after sex. But I know that I can change whatever I want.