An Open Letter

I broke up with her. I think she was anyway going to break up with me, but either way I broke up with her first. And it hurts really fucking bad.

I finally realized that I had to set so I’m kind of a boundary or have some concrete thing because otherwise I would never leave and it showed up in the form of her saying that even knowing how much it hurt me, she did not regret that I was recorded without my knowledge. And if she could, she would’ve wanted it to happen the same way again. I know that this is because she is probably hurt by something I said, but I went through the audio for the first time and everything I said I still standby and I do not think I said anything hurtful, so at most it was a miscommunication. They however did say stuff that I did not hear behind my back that was incredibly not OK and the fact that she does not recognize that even fundamentally recording someone in such a vulnerable state without their knowledge gave me enough to finally leave. It hurts a fucking lot, but at least I can have my head held high, because for once I broke up instead of sitting there and begging and hoping that things will change. That being said it’s still fucking hurts so much. So many little things remind me of her, and it hasn’t even been 12 hours. I find myself like at this weird in between of begging and coming to terms with it. I recognize that I need to stand on business here and fully end it. Even if she comes back and she says the right things, I think I need to be strong and begin to move on and heal. I have given her too many chances and she has said the right things before and her actions did not stay consistent with that. There are a lot of things that she has done and I need to recognize the fact that even if people can change, it is a gradual process and it will not happen nearly as fast as would be fair to me. An additionally there has been so many things that she has done that I’ve been incredibly hurtful and fucked up, and I just don’t think that she is currently at the emotional maturity level to be able to make up for those things, and so those Bridges have been burned, and that is it. It still fucking hurts me so much. It hurts that the person I love so much isn’t actually the person they are. I think I’ve gotten high on the fantasy and the hope of who they could be, and I ignored all of the many warning signs and issues. Partially because I haven’t had any relationships before, I think I just told myself that this is normal, and actually healthy. But this is not at all the love that I hoped for. And as much as I want to, I cannot love her into her changing. And I know that there will be plenty of other people out there that would treat me better and be better matches for me. I really wished that she was the one. But I think there’s a lot of different things that I missed because I blinded myself. One thing my sister mentioned was how having such a big intelligence gap in a relationship isn’t super fun, because while it is nice for the moment in the sense of me being able to teach her things and stuff, I would eventually get bored because she doesn’t have things that she can show me in the same way, and it would be a consistent relationship of me teaching her and not really too much the other way around. I think also in terms of maturity there is a big gap there. Also even like practically, she is not good with money and she also does not have any kind of a job lined up and is finishing a useless degree. Even in games she is a low rank, meaning whenever we would play together it would always be having to be me smurfing. I think it’s not that hard to find a partner that is willing to go to the gym with me, and I can even look for explicitly a gym partner if I want that. But I think more than anything else it’s just the emotional maturity. We kept having issues because her struggles with emotional regulation, and I had to walk her through so many different things like how to validate feelings, understanding how certain actions are perceived, or like how to react in certain situations, and there are just so many different issues there where it feels like I have to baby her or teach her simple stuff. There is going to be some partner out there that is smart, funny, successful, kind, open-minded, and most of all closer to me in terms of maturity. And I think it would be a little bit of the best for me to not right now try to search for that. Just focus on being happy again and healing.