An Open Letter

We just texted, and I think I’m emotionally drained.

She won’t tell me explicitly what I did wrong, and tells me that she needs to rip into me and hold nothing back saying all the stuff for months that’s been hurting her. She says that I say cruel things and don’t change, but it is shitty because the things I heard her briefly mention yesterday were things verbal and that to me I stopped saying after she told me to, and she actually said right after saying it’s not ok to say that. So I can’t prove that I did listen. And on top of it, it feels like I can’t even try to convince her that some of the stuff she’s saying isn’t accurate, or that it is a miscommunication. It feels like for us to have a chance of reconciling, I need to just be the punching bag.

Throughout the relationship I tried to always proactively tell her that I want to listen or be there for her. She even admit how she has a problem bottling things up, and because of that these explosions keep happening. What the fuck can I do about that. I try to ask her, I listen patiently, even when she blows up I suck it up and listen. I think our conflict resolution or communication actually does need a lot of work. It doesn’t help that we’re both sensitive people. I think couples therapy would be a very important thing.

I just spent the last 2 hours getting ripped into over text and constantly apologizing, and I’m boomeranging. It hurts to think about how my asks and needs were ignored in conflicts, and I try my best to keep open communication. I can’t do much if she refuses to communicate.

I honestly think it’s so fucking unfair for her to want to just one-sided beat the fuck out of me verbally. It’s so fucked up that she broke up with me out of nowhere during my work, and she also ambushed me with her roommates. They ganged up on me, and while I’m begging them to stop for a second because I’m going to break down crying before an important meeting, they don’t give a shit. They laugh at me and mock me, and call me a piece of shit. That’s such a shitty thing to do, especially when I’ve tried my best to listen to her and be receptive. If she feels that way, she should have brought it up sooner instead of letting it fester this much and then taking it out on me.

A part of me wants to say that if she is this cruel and unreasonable, this isn’t at all fair to me. Even if she is compatible with me in so many of these other ways, this is honestly a dealbreaker if this is how she handles conflict. I’ve asked and patiently listened to her when I can, and yesterday we got into conflict because she pushed and asked after I asked for space. This isn’t at all fair to me. I don’t get how she can go from constantly feeling like a shitty partner and how I’m out of her league, to doing this.

It’s so desperately frustrating to feel like I have to beg and grovel and take this level of abuse. I don’t think this is fair at all. I kinda feel even less like I have a voice, because right now she’s like an emotional terrorist where I feel like I cannot say anything bad or ultimatum goes through. I’ve told her that this was a bridge that can’t really be walked back, and she still did it in such a violent way. Even her mom thought it was excessive.

I know that there are a lot of things about her that I love. I know there are a lot of things about me that are also very desirable in a partner. For fucks sake, she would talk about how it feels like I’m out of her league. I can’t help but feel like those feelings have boomeranged to this point, where she now has to make me the scapegoat and equalize all of the shitty feelings. It’s fucked because I feel like I get punished for things that aren’t my fault, or not reasonable. Whenever she has asked me something, I’ve listened. Similarly, when I’ve asked certain things of her she hasn’t followed them. I just don’t want this double standard.