Letters to E #4
Situation: E broke up with me in such a nuclear way, and it came out of nowhere.
Thoughts: This feels so unfair to me, and this feels like a lack of emotional regulation and super high volatility. I don’t know how I can move past this and not feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
Feelings: I feel like I don’t deserve this, and that it’s unfairly being pinned on me, for her lack of communication. I feel very upset and hurt, and betrayed in a way. I told her that this was what I was afraid of, and she did it.
Behaviors: We either immediately break up, or I suck it up and feel uncomfortable and unsafe emotionally for a while.
Thoughts: She was emotionally volatile, and she doesn’t have the best luck with her childhood either. Emotional regulation is hard for her, and this was a point where there was just too much volatility. She’s just faced with a lot of pain and discomfort, and she didn’t know how to communicate well enough to release that tension, and this happened. She doesn’t want to hurt me, she just doesn’t want to keep hurting.
Feelings: I mean I do love her. And it hurts because I feel wrongly hurt, but also she’s been hurting and we are a team. No need to justify why she is hurting or who’s “fault” that is. I don’t feel like she wants to break up, she wants to just stop feeling this much.
Behaviors: Yes I am within my rights to leave. So is she. But I care about her, and I can empathize with where she is coming from. I also believe that this volatility will go down, and I know that the good times are good with her.
I really like how we get to trade roles, and you let me be softer and the little spoon.
Massages from you make me feel warm and safe. Same with when you scratch my back, I feel like a cat that just melts.
I really love your family, especially your mom. But also I think H is such a good kid and I want to be in his life if I can be.
You sometimes make really fucking stupid faces, and I think it’s really cute.
You let me vent when I need to, and I know it’s hard and a bit foreign but you let me just rant and say stuff without having to filter it.
You make me feel very attractive, and there’s a lot of different ways where I struggle with that so that means a lot to me.
I love being able to do this with you.
I love how I get to show off to you at the gym, and how you do that little voice and talk about your strong boyfriend.
Our double high fives at the gym are something that I think is very iconic and makes me blush thinking about it for some reason.
I love how much time you make for me. I know that you have plenty of other things but you still manage to carve out a lot of time to spend with me and I appreciate that a lot.
I think you’re a really good designer in the sims, your houses and apartments are really well structured and it’s something I always marvel at.
I really appreciate how you apologize and go out of your way to take accountability with things, when you do that I feel very secure with you and emotionally safe.
I think you have an incredibly open mind, and that’s really nice because that means that I get to explore and try things with you.
I take a lot of pride in your bench press. Not only the weight, but how much you like it. You aren’t like the other girls.
I think your humor is a lot like mine, and I love how I can make all different kinds of jokes with you.
The fact that we have fights and conflict, but we make up makes me feel secure. I believe that even when things get bad and rough, you still fight to work it out with me.
Your glasses were at first a bit jarring to me, but now I wouldn’t want it any other way. You have such beautiful eyes, and I get to see two different types of them because of your massive lenses. I love it so much, and I almost take pride in that (if that’s ok with you)
I think you’re incredibly resilient for the shit that you’ve been dealt, and how you keep your chin up and fight for what you have and where you’ve gotten. I know that a lot of things are biologically harder for you, and you don’t even complain but you just grind and make it work. I admire that so much about you.