An Open Letter

I think it's kind of funny when I turned on my voice to text to start rambling, all I really let out was a really big sigh. The whole situation with A a has got me kind of fucked up right now in a kind of mild way. It also doesn't help that my wrist is still sprained, and I fractured my toe on my right foot. But at least for the first time in a while I was able to actually work out today. Didn't feel great, but at least I did it.

I realized with A at the end of the day I'm really not a priority. In the moment when she doesn't want to lose me, she will say all these things that make me feel like I am a priority and that she will change, but it just won't happen at least in the short term. I guess the reason why I feel like I can say this, is because I know what I would do in her situation and I see the stark contrast between what I think is reasonable and what she is doing. I've been on the hook with promises of change and actions that she can do to show me that I can trust her and feel comfortable with her, and then I just sit there waiting for something that'll never come. It does feel like I'm on the string, with this whole time me telling myself that I'm in control about what I feel comfortable with and making sure this whole situation is something that is good. But I think I have to kind of come to terms with the fact that sweet nothings are just that, and talk is cheap. I think it does suck to kind of find out that you're being lied to, in the sense of someone isn't actually willing to do the things that they say they will. But writing it down finally I feel like I'm free from that. I think it really hurt the other day because when we finally did it again, she said something that we had talked about earlier that I feel really uncomfortable with. And then she kind of just became really selfish again, and so that's when I was just happy that she's leaving because I didn't really feel comfortable around her. And then I had to drive her to the hospital and stay by her side for an extra four hours. I'm really sad that I lost one of the few days I had with S left. But at the end of the day I guess me and her are kind of just acquaintances which sucks for its own reasons but oh well. Or at least distant friends. I think I feel kind of alone in moments like this, or are at least that's what I'm feeling right now. It feels like a lot of my mental bandwidth is directed towards people that don't really I guess prioritize me in some way. And I hope this doesn't come off as me saying that I need to be some kind of princess treatment or something like that, but rather that I would hope that friends would put in effort to interact with me, and also care about my feelings. Like I know that E does, at least in the way of initiating both conversations and hangouts which I really appreciate. I think this is kind of the problem of being the initiator friend because some people are just really confident with that – but not me. It was more learned because I wanted to have more control over my socialization. But it still sucks because at the end of the day I really want my friends to want to interact with me, and I feel that most when they initiate or try to make plans.

I think arguably as important, I think friendship should be a two-way street. I think it's fucked up one person does shitty things, and then it's expected to just forgive that and keep giving to them. I have a decent amount of friends that aren't really emotionally mature or are kind of shitty at times. But they also make up for it in different ways, whether that's trying to show that in their own ways, or initiating and making me feel valued. At the end of the day it's not like it's equivalent, but I am completely happy with that because to me it feels like someone at least feels bad for when they do bad things. I know some friendships exist where both people are shitty, and it's kind of just a tit for tat situation and since both people dish it, they both just accept it after some time. I feel like that's the kind of relationship that A needs. Like if someone's shitty to her back, or says or does things that are like hurtful from negligence, maybe that's something she would be able to sustain. Because it's kind of clear that she cannot take accountability or make up for her mistakes when she makes them. And it kind of consistently feels like she takes for granted and isn't appreciative of a lot of things. I know that everyone is at different stages and has their own problems, myself included, but I feel like this dynamic really takes a toll on me. I value being kind, generous and empathetic and I don't want to change those values. But at the same time, that ends up making me feel really shitty when those things are kind of taken for granted and never reciprocated, because I think I also want/expect those things in return. I'm not really good at the relationships where you kind of just sweep problems under the rug, and I'm pretty sure that's what she's used to.

I'm kind of happy that depression has the side effect of shitty memory, because I've forgotten a lot of the hurt from her. I think that's a good thing because that means maybe I've processed it, because whenever I think back to it it doesn't really sting (except for the new stuff). But I'm also happy that this whole relationship happened, because to me that's a sign that first of all I can love such an incompatible person. And so I think if I have someone that respects me and can communicate, that means I can absolutely love them in a sustainable way which is nice. That means that I'm not really limited to the people I could have a happy relationship with which is nice. I think also, this makes me feel more confident in my own values as a person. Even when she did things that were toxic and manipulative, I did not do those things in retaliation even when given the pass to. And so I think even when hurt in that way, if I'm not willing to do that back I think I feel pretty confident in my own moral stance then which I'm happy about. Also I'm happy that even with such a one-sided thing and the constant disrespect, the fact that I'm still kind to her makes me proud of myself. A lot of the times I'll think about stooping to her level, and retaliating in similar ways that she does. But then I think about how that would just be something that at the end of the day I would know that I have done and that's not who I want to be. And so I'm kind of happy that I can take it on the chin without faltering. But also I really hope that I don't get pushed too far to the point where I think that future relationships have to go the same. That's the danger of a small sample size. I really don't want to generalize this to other relationships, but I think that that's a pretty realistic outcome that I have to fight against.

All things considered, I think it's time to listen to the advice from my friends or at least something in that direction. I need to have some self-respect and a backbone. I don't want to keep setting the precedent that I am someone that can handle being treated shitty, and then being put on the back burner. It's the same problem as being the child that doesn't have the loud tantrum, because no matter how bad I was hurting my parents would put their resources into my sister because of her outbursts. I need to remember that that was what I learned, and so I need to actively work away from that and that means advocating for myself.

Chin up man.