An Open Letter

I’m starting the hike now, I feel like there’s a solid chance that this is gonna be the longest post I’ve written so far.

My depressive episode I think is finally ending, as I was starting to finally feel a little bit like myself again and I talked to friends and family and I felt supported and better. And then this morning I was working out with a friend and I was supposed to host an event later in the day, and while he went to his car to grab something I looked on Instagram and I saw a friend post on her story. She was at karaoke with several other of my friends, including three of the total five members of our “band”. It was them along with other friends that were in the same friend group, with the exception of one other person from badminton. Two days prior we played badminton, and I did leave a little bit early with another friend, and that is my close friend that is also in the band. Maybe they just set up the plans there, and they didn’t feel like it was their place to invite me or there were already enough people. Maybe it was just one of those plans where it is in the moment with the people there. But I had talked with them earlier and we said how karaoke would be super fun and I wanted to go with them as a band, and I really wish they would’ve invited me. It also stings a lot because these friends both said that they were too busy with work and didn’t have time this weekend and so they wouldn’t be able to come over for board games, and they also wouldn’t be able to come over for band practice. But They were able to go to karaoke just fine, and they didn’t think to invite me to that. Or even mention it. And so I feel like a idiot for trying to invite them and honestly considering them as like my group of friends here, because I would spend a lot of time with them and like we had our group chat and I had felt like I started to have like a group of friends in person that I can do stuff with and now it feels like there is a group of friends it just doesn’t include me. And I know that that is a huge scar that I have from childhood of exclusion and how that’s a big trigger point for me, and so I am proud with how well I’m taking it it seems like, but at the same time fuck me.

This hurts a lot because on one hand I was really struggling for a while and it seemed like I was finally getting a little bit of a break, and I had a chance to get back up but life has just fucking kicked me in the chest right back down. And it sucks because I started to feel that struggle and desperation of feeling like I have exhausted the pool of people to interact with and it doesn’t feel like I’ve made any friend group groups or something like that. And I worry that now what semblance of that I had feels like my fear tells me They don’t really want me as a friend and it feels like it only just confirms this fear that I’ve held in my chest since I was a kid. I just feel like I don’t fit in and there’s no group or no circumstance where there are people that I feel like reflect me and I fit in properly and it feels like everyone else has these nice little molds in classes where they get this situated themselves into and I’m just weird amalgamation of all these weird little parts of a human that come from a lack of community growing up. And now I’m this deep rich person in all of these abrasive ways. And I just don’t know what to do about it. I feel like I’ve been constantly fighting to put myself into spots for community and I just don’t find it and I wish and I have so much envy towards the people that grow up in these circumstances where they get to socialize and not get to be shaped and the things they like are all similar to the people around them like one of the friends that I think doesn’t really like me was at the karaoke and he gets along so well with other men and I’m so jealous because I just didn’t get to crawl like that and I feel unsafe with men and I feel somewhat safe with women and because of a man I just naturally get excluded in certain ways. There’s been several girls trips that have happened and of course I’m not invited to those, and I’m not one of the guys and so I’m not joining them there. And I know that from other people‘s point of view views I understand why I might not be their first choice but at the same time from my point of view I just want to beg God or whoever can be in control of this, and ask them why am I like this. I swear it’s not because I didn’t try or it was because I neglected myself, but I was a fucking kid and these were the cards that I was dealt. I would kill to have a community where I felt like I found other people like me. And I don’t know if it’s vain or something like that but I feel like I struggle with being a gifted person and so it’s hard for me to find people similar to me. And I wonder if it’s partially because I have isolated myself in ways by hosting events at my place and not being able to join them for stuff like dinners afterwards, or carpool with people. Or if it’s because self isolation tendencies or low social battery sometimes make me avoid social interactions, but I just feel like it’s a terrifying thing to consider someone seeing me at my best and still not wanting to be my friend. And I told myself that just because someone doesn’t like you doesn’t mean that there is something necessarily bad with you, but you might not be that kind of person’s person. It’s like that “where you can be the sweetest peach on the tree but someone just might not like peaches. But I feel like I tell myself that enough times that I just feel like I’m not really anyone’s fruit. And I know that’s not true because I do have a pretty sizable amount of friends that I am close with and do really value me as a person, but it feels like they are a bit of the exception. It feels like more often than not because of circumstances I don’t really get to interact with them. And I think that I have become someone who is really rich with character and there are a lot of things that I am grateful for that I’ve gotten because I grew up the way I did, and I think that that is something that will be incredibly appreciated by the right people. And I think this is a bit of the trade-off of if I want to be truly enriching to few people, or to be palatable to most people. And I guess when I frame it like that I really do want to continue to be the person I am. But also I wish that this philosophy the decisions I’ve made all this time would pay off.

I remember when I was a kid I used to bide my time and tell myself that in college my life would be one so beautiful and fulfilling that it would be worth it for me to hang on until then. And so I didn’t kill myself and I kept dreaming about what it would be like to be in an apartment from the outside and be surrounded with my group of friends. And that to be something so normal that I could take it for granted. And for periods of my life I feel like I had that, and it wasn’t everything I hoped it would be because I still am struggling at times and after all look at me right now, where it feels like I have friends but no friend group. And I guess I’m very thankful that I at least have those friends, and those directly are a result from the effort that I put in so it’s not like it was all for a waste. And it’s not like I’m in some small town where there aren’t too many people, but it’s just a bit hard or rather something I’m just not used to. But I can learn. That’s all I’ve done my entire life. And I know that I can do this I know that I can learn and there are resources that I can be that person toStep up and forge these social connections rather than just hoping that they come. And I’ll be honest I wish I didn’t have to do all of this. It feels like I put in so much effort, strife and pain into something that I wish was just given by default. And it feels like so many other people don’t have to struggle with this in the same ways that I do, and I feel like I put in more effort than the people I see, but it just works out for them. And I don’t get it. I told myself things like there must be a reason why I don’t deserve it and this is something to begin with that is deserved. But I very muchthink that this is rather just something that everyone does some extent struggles with in varying degrees. And it’s not at all something that is a punishment to me but rather just circumstance. And it does suck. But I at least have control of trying to make it suck a little bit less by taking things into my own hands.

I feel like after the initial shock goes away a little bit I can tell myself that realistically it’s not like my friends dislike me, and rather it’s just I’m not that close with them to the point where they go out of their way to invite me and I just wasn’t there at the time of making plans and that’s fine. But that doesn’tMean that it is the complete opposite, I don’t want to see things in black-and-white.I can maybe consider it as a data point of how this is currently how they see our friendship, and that really isn’t too much of a surprise. It’s not like I really considered them to be super close friends to begin with, and it didn’t really feel like we clicked past acquaintances and so this isn’t like some close friends went and planned something excluding me. Additionally they didn’t invite my friend who is in a similar boat to them, and we both left around the same time. And so I want to do my best to not take it personally. And I’m proud of myself for having that clarity of mindand resilience to see it like that instead of just giving into the low hanging fruit of negative self talk. And I think the fact that I have the mental clarity to not default into those thoughts is a good indicator of the progress that I have made and for that I am proud.

One of my friends was asking me for advice with talking to a girl and flirting, because he is my age and hasn’t had any kind of partner or experience yet. And I thought it was kind of a compliment the fact thatout of the people he knows I was the person he asked.and I think that is something to be proud of in myself, like given their circumstances I had growing up especially if you could see how unattractive I was personality wise and also looks wise. And how from those things I managed to build myself up into the person that I currently am. I’m fortunate enough to say that I have a pretty sizable amount of experience and I havetaken a lot of work to shape myself in several different ways into a person I am proud of. And I often do come across different self-help reels once in a while aimed towards men which I am very grateful for. But a lot of the times the stuff that they mention to me seems so incredibly surface level or bare minimum, and I don’t want to say that in a discouraging way but rather to just acknowledge that one of the perks of the way that I grew up is how I am able to benefit in these ways. And so when I think back to that earlier friend that makes friends with other guys and is pretty attractive, and successful also, he struggles a lot with women. And I don’t think it’s necessarily in the sense of talking to them, but rather conceptually. He still views women as something fundamentally different, like he will mention or get surprised about how sometimes when I host events there are a lot of women, and it’s something that I don’t even notice, but he’s bewildered by.and I’ve seen this in my Mail friends where they kind of don’t know how to be friends with women and by that I’m more mean to connect in the emotional way or have that vulnerability or awareness around emotions, and I’m not saying that women are perfect at it either.But it is something where I think the fact that I don’t always click with guys is because I have those developmental muscles of emotional intimacy and connection and if the cost of fitting in is losing those things, I don’t think that’s worth it.

And if I keep in mind and recognize the fact that I cannot have one without the other. I cannot have all of the good sides and fit into every single social group even the ones that I didn’t have a huge urge to fit into it until I felt rejected by them. I cannot have all of those things without them conflicting in some sense. It’s almost like breakups, how they are some of the most pain I’ve felt in my life, but because of those gaps left by losing someone so key to your life,you end up filling them often with people so incredible. When I think about some of the most recent friends I’ve made over the last year or so, a good amount of them are because of my breakup. And so these voids left in my heart that I can label as loneliness or isolation, or not fitting in are gifts in their own weird way. Because without them I rob myself of the things that make life so sweet.

Even earlier when I was talking about how I feel jealous of people that grow up in these communities that are polarizing like religion or the south, how they grow up in some mold and they get the benefit of matching other people in that mold. But at the same time I even realized the issue I’ve seen with this because I’ve had this thought plenty of times before, and I couldn’t help with contract myself before I could even say the words out loud. But the issue with this is what happens when that mold doesn’t fit the person you want to be? Or the person that you are. I think about this a lot in the sense of queer people in those situations, because so much of a sense of self and community and everything is just invested into that mold, and when there’s some key part of you it will constantly jott out an irritate and some people can just oppress it for the rest of their lives, but others have to give up essentially everything that they are and what they knowto be true to themselves. And that must be such a horrifyingly terrifying experience to go through. I at least have the fortune of not having too much of a mold that forces me to besome sort of way. I got to grow and be authentic, and foster that sense of self along the way. And while it is potentially nice to be that kind of person that can fit into that mold and be happy with it, they’re very much is the risk of not being that person. And it sucks because the longer you try to hold onto it I think the more it festers and hurts. And soAll of this being said I think I am kind of ok with the path I currently am on. It does still suck once in a while and it hurts, but I think the alternative pain of not being true to yourself is a regret that I have heard voiced several times and I at least continue on without losing time.

I do feel better and this hike is honestly really nice, I miss being in nature like I was in Santa Barbara, and this is pretty close to my house so I’m grateful for that. This is really fucking uphill and a bit sketchy, but I actually quite like it. I am exhausted though and that is nice also. My phone is getting low however so I am a little bit nervous about that but we ball. I do have my wallet on me and so I should be able to at least get back into my car no matter what. After this I can get some Taco Bell and watch some YouTube and I’ll get one of those freezes.

I have a lot of blessings in my life that I circle around mentally butI don’t necessarily address head on. Update it looks like I’m not actually close to the end of the trail and since my phone is about to hit 20% I think I actually will stop journaling here. But thank you too earlier me for setting up this journal and making this a habit, because this is helped me so much. I love you ma’am and I promise you I swear on everything I love that the pain that you go through isn’t for nothing, but these are the pains of growth and out of these come of life so incredibly sweet and rich that if I would look at now I would envy and the work is worth it.