Maybe I shouldn't watch Bojack

Hey. Last night I drank way too much and ended up getting a hangover this morning. I canceled almost all of my plans and took the day to recover. I started watching some TV to try to just burn some time down and ended up rewatching Bojack Horseman.

To anyone familiar with the series they probably can see the very obvious parallels, but I started thinking about how I’m a bit difficult to love. The other day I hung out with a good friend, and afterward, we got lunch. At one point she asked me what I was going to do for my birthday. (I need to preface all of this with the statement that I think there is a good chance she also reads this, so I am writing somewhat with that lens in mind.) It made me incredibly happy to think about how someone wanted to celebrate my birthday, but it also worried me a lot. I don’t really know what I want. I feel like I never really got experience with people celebrating anything of mine like this, so I don’t really have any inherent craving for it. Or I guess to be more clear, I have that longing, but I also feel terrified at the thought of it. I feel like no matter what the chance of me crying on my birthday is decent. I don’t want to drag anyone else down with that whole depressing shit, so I feel like I’d rather just go through it alone. I really feel like it’s not that bad, it’s just how life is. I just hate the thought of making someone else sad or uncomfortable.

It’s all shit like that. Someone could tell me they like spending time around me, and it just gently scrapes the hardened shell I have around that thought. I feel like it must be exhausting to have to deal with that. I have a picture of a quote saved on my phone somewhere where it says “I hope loving me isn’t the hardest thing anyone has to do”. I think about it in times like this. Might as well start the CBT now

Situation: I have certain issues which make it hard for other people to intimately interact with me.

Thoughts: I should do other people a favor and make the decision for them to not interact with me.

Feelings: I feel sad, unloveable, and alone.

Behavior: I self-isolate, sabotage relationships, and stunt my development.

A more reasonable thing -

Thoughts: Everyone has issues. These are some of mine, and I am also working on them. In reality, this is just me being a bit more awkward around certain topics, which is fairly harmless. And on top of it, think about the people you know and love – look at all the issues they have. The good outweighs the bad easily. I love them.

Feelings: I feel like I’m not some outlier of a horrible person.

Behavior: I love, receive love, and grow as a person.

I hope you feel better tomorrow. Love you man. ♥