An Open Letter

I received information against my will again today how E did indeed post kind of thirst trap pictures on her Instagram after we had broken up. And just the thought of it hurts, and I think it’s kind of because I feel a little bit possessive still? And it feels like she is so readily trying to give herself to someone else. All part of me also feels like this is directly meant to hurt me, even though I should not have known about it and I don’t think it’s necessarily reasonable to expect that either. I need to remind myself that her world does not revolve around me, and very likely she did that stuff just because she wanted to feel hot, and to get that external validation in some sense. And I can’t blame her at all for that. After a rough breakup, of course you want to feel wanted and attractive. I think I was just an unintentional crossfire in a way.

I think that’s something that kind of consistently happened through the relationship, where I would get hurt not because she tries to hurt me, but because she doesn’t understand how some of her actions or shortcomings end up putting me in very painful situations. And I mean to that point, I don’t think anyone ever really tries to hurt people, it’s just they act in what they think is their best interest. And I think in this case she just isn’t really aware enough about the world to understand a lot of the consequences of her actions. I do feel a renewed sense of peace being single in this way, I don’t need to worry about regulating another person‘s emotions, or trying to get them off of the train tracks as I see the train approaching that they want to ignore. There were a lot of nice moments of course, but there were a lot of moments where I remember feeling like wow I guess this is what love is supposed to be like, and it’s honestly a little bit disappointing. It felt like I was a caretaker a lot, and it felt like I was settling. I think for a relationship to be not as patronizing or rude to the other person, they should be someone where I feel like I was not settling for at all and that I am really lucky. And I think at the end of the day looking at what was brought to the table by both of us, I understand why she felt such volatility and why she had that constant dread and fear about me leaving. All of the questions about why I love her. Wanting to break up with me because she thought I was too good for her. And honestly I think she’s kind of right. I think she doesn’t have that full knowledge about me, and how I am loyal to a fault. I think she was often afraid that I would finally wake up or come to my senses and realize how I deserve better than her, and I would leave her. And I think that terrified her, because she did love me a lot. It’s like you have a duo that is much much better than you at the game, and you just know it’s a matter of time until they just play by themselves or play with someone closer to their rank, and leave you behind. And the worst part is I don’t think I would have. I think I would have wanted to spend my life with her, and I think I would’ve robbed myself of the happy relationship I always wanted. But I also do think from her perspective it must’ve been fucking terrifying constantly feeling like you’re not enough, partially because to be blunt she wasn’t. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, but the fact that we are in such different stages of life, the emotional gap, the intelligence gap, the differences in our social successes, and I think the list just continues. I kept telling myself that this was me suffering from success, but I think in reality this was more just a consequence of me not being strict enough on the filtering portion of dating, and not really understanding what love should look like. If you’ve been treated right, or raised well, you wouldn’t put up with a lot of stuff that feels natural to me. When she would get mad at me for me trying to advocate for myself, or when she minimize my feelings, I didn’t like it, but that is very similar to what my childhood was like. And maybe that’s just what the world is like you know? But how are you supposed to tell a kid that’s been starving their whole life that food is abundant and they won’t have to worry about a meal in the future. That’s such a foreign wish that can’t really be believed, and instead whenever you can get scraps of food, you graciously cling onto it.

In a way I feel cruel for what I did to her. I know that she did a lot of objectively bad things, and it’s not like I did shitty actions towards her, but I unknowingly threw her into the deep end. It’s like if a friend is new to a game and you throw them into a high rank game. She felt a lot of pressure constantly throughout the relationship, and I think those were because of how good of a partner I was. Or at least I would like to think that. Realistically a solid amount it was also because of her own insecurities. But at the end of the day, because there was such a gap in what we were able to provide to each other in terms of support, value, financial benefit, etc. She must have constantly felt like an imposter in a way. Like somehow she had tricked me into loving her and saying all of these right things even though she wasn’t coming close. And I think especially because she was used to bad partners in the past, suddenly having the shock of being the bad partner must have fucking hurt. I also think this might’ve been why she constantly would overexert herself or push herself past the point of what is sustainable to try to make me happy, even though I told her and I asked her not to do that. She would self sacrifice and constantly try to make me happy, often at her own cost. And the problem was when that debt would need to be collected, that was something that both of us paid. And I think all of the benefits that she would give from the self sacrifice would be wiped out by me covering the debts with interest. And I think that would only hurt her more. It’s a really rough cycle, and I almost don’t know what you can do about that if you’re in that situation. This isn’t one of those things where it’s just solely self-destructive, because at the end of the day I really do bring more to the table than she does. And I’m not saying that’s something that can’t change, but I of course financially am much better off, I am physically better off, emotionally I am better off, and these are all things that have taken me time and I’ve had to work on and maybe if I had met her when I was 20 it would’ve been a little bit closer? But she is someone that has a lot of adversity due to her genetic conditions, and is a late bloomer in life. I am very much the opposite, of a very early bloomer. And I kind of think it’s cruel that I engaged in this relationship with her, because no matter how much reassurance I give, there will always be the doubt in her head about how this is not fair and she cannot reciprocate what I give her. And it almost feels like the sword of Damocles, where she never knows when the hammer is going to drop. And it also sucks because she doesn’t have the self-awareness to be able to articulate these things or understand why she’s feeling this pressure. And it’s a really hard thing to work on a problem when you don’t even know what the problem is. And so it sucks because even if I do love her and even if she does love me, I don’t know if this relationship was just building resentment in me. Maybe at some point in the future, and it would’ve been way more painful to both of us, but maybe I would’ve then learned how I do want more from a partner. And how I do want someone that can reciprocate. It would’ve been terrible if I did end up meeting someone as a friend that was available and interested, and also someone who could reciprocate. That would’ve been horrible because it would’ve caused so much conflict with me, because obviously my desire is to be loyal to the person that I love. But it’s almost like you don’t know what you’re missing until you see it. Or maybe even just with enough time I would’ve eventually said that enough was enough and that I was done. And that would’ve fucking killed me if I was her. Imagine if you are so in love with someone so incredibly wonderful that you keep hurting, and the problem is they treat you nicer than you can treat them. You sometimes get angry or say things out of frustration, or don’t fully understand your emotions and speak in poor ways. But they don’t do the same to you, instead they consistently treat you with kindness and patience, things that you can’t really reciprocate because you’re never in that position with them. There’s someone that’s very attractive, they get along very well with your family, they’re incredibly successful and a perfect package and loves you very dearly. But you keep fucking up because you still have those wounds you haven’t worked on. And you keep hurting that person. And on one hand it hurts so badly to see the damage that you do to someone you care about so dearly, but on the other hand there’s the more selfish underlying thought of was this the final straw and have I really fucked it up for good now. And it doesn’t help that there were several moments where I felt like I didn’t know if I could keep taking it. And so that absolutely was a possibility to her. And that’s fucking terrifying. The feeling that this is a train slowly rolling out of control down a hill because you pushed it and you can’t really stop it, but you keep accidentally pushing it and every time you try to stop it it doesn’t really do enough and at some point it’s going to hit. And I think that’s why she needed to go so nuclear with the breakup. I think to her she felt like eventually this was going to catch up with her and it is something where if she is the one to finally take the punishment and end it, at least the constant not knowing is over, because that’s part of the worst portions of the whole thing. And so in a way I’m kind of thankful that it happened, because I don’t know which is a worse outcome. Me never breaking up, or me breaking up much later. I still love her as a person, and I am very thankful for the sheer amount of effort that she put in. But I do think that we are in much different stages of life, and I honestly don’t know how many times I can say that. And the same way that the most well-intentioned intern cannot work themselves into succeeding as a senior developer, she and I have differences that effort and love alone cannot change in a short amount of time. And I think I deserve to be with someone who has done that work and has shown that they are capable of that change and growth, rather than someone who put in blind effort, with no guarantees of where they will end up. Maybe if I was in that same position it would be OK, but I have put in a lot of work, and I also do have a lot of things going for me that have benefited me in a lot of ways. And because of that I think I would like to wait for someone where I feel like they can match me in that sense. I do believe that I am an exceptional person. And I don’t want to come off as vain, but I am very happy with the person that I’ve turned out to be. I think there’s been a lot of difficulty and a lot of growing pains along the way, and I think the end is not in sight either.

But ultimately I think I deserve a love that looks like the kind that I give. I think I deserve someone that listens to the gentle things unsaid, and that puts in all of this additional effort to really see me. I think I deserve someone that is gentle and can accommodate the scars that I have, by validating my feelings and being a safe person to talk to. I absolutely deserve someone that understands and respect my safety as much as their own. The same way that I would be excessively careful regarding her comfort and safety, if that would’ve been reciprocated I wouldn’t have had multiple people come into my house and gang up on me at my lowest. I deserve someone that can help stabilize me at times, the same way that I help stabilize them at times. And I deserve someone that is OK being without me, someone that has their own sense of self that is well developed and one that they love. Someone that can add value to my life and share passion and things of interest. Someone that can match me and challenge me in all of these different beautiful things the world has to offer.

I think waiting doesn’t have to drive you crazy.