An Open Letter

Today we were supposed to all try snowboarding, and I paid for the rentals since normally I pay and others pay me back. After we all got kitted up and were ready to go, I went and bought the lift tickets for everyone. While we were putting on the boards and going to the lift, A fell and started complaining. I was on edge from the whole trip and other things and so I reminded him about the thing we talked about yesterday about how saying something sucks or you hate it makes you enjoy it less and ruins it a bit for others, and I asked him to not complain about stuff like that since this was my first time doing snow stuff and I'm already stressed and we paid and I want to enjoy it. He said he doesn't care and kept doubling down on how he hates this, and in the moment because I was stressed I said “fine if you hate it so much just go back” and something along the lines of I'll pay for his share. Immediately after I realized how much the costs were and backtracked on that, and said I'm not paying for his part (within seconds – and this part does upset me because technically I did say that for a few seconds before changing, but I think everyone's said things while stressed and heated). After that he said fuck this and started walking away and yelled “I'm not paying”. This was something we had all agreed upon, and he was excited to do, and he was ready to pay for his rental and had no objections and gladly took the lift ticket. This immediately set me off and ruined my day since he basically told me to go fuck myself and since my credit card is on file and I already paid, I'm stuck paying for it. The rest of the day didn't help as it went pretty shit also. One person was emotionally overwhelmed and negative and my first time trying to snowboard I had to stop and play therapist even though I was teetering on an anxiety attack the whole day. Another friend rammed into me on his snowboard hitting my elbow, and I was terrified I broke something. Through three layers he gave me a massive bruise and a pretty big gash and it hurts to touch it at all. The rest of my body also got beat up in several different ways, and I'm just fucking tired man. I've spent the entire day trying to fend off a panic attack. I can't sleep right now because my mind keeps catastrophising. I could cancel his plane ticket if he doesn't pay me back, or cancel his checkin and remove the weight on his carry on. I could intentionally recuperate costs from places where he put his card on file since he got the hotel room for tomorrow. I hate my mind sometimes, and I don't say that word lightly. My brain led me down a tangent of how I could kill us all while driving the rental car to Mt. Fuji. I don't want to think these stuff. If I try to stop thinking I realize God knows how many minutes later that I'm thinking about a physical escalation from if he tries to get my passport while I'm sleeping, and Anxiety leads me down the path of eventually just thinking about killing him with a chokehold. I don't want to think any of these things, I just want to sleep. I'm ashamed to admit it but for the first time in my life I used substances to avoid a problem. I got a large beer once me and C came back from the mountain, and for a bit I felt fine. Then I napped and woke up after a bit and went by myself to get food and drank another large beer. Then I came back and drank a canned beer in the hotel lounge. I said I'd never use substances to avoid a problem, but I'm just telling myself these are tangentially unrelated and not because I don't want to face what happens. I can't sleep because I'm filled with thoughts of horrible outcomes and losing a safety net I've had for almost a decade now. I'm praying this ends. I hope CBT can help.

Situation: S said he isn't paying for his share of the snow stuff.

Thoughts: This is something I cannot tolerate and no matter what I am getting my pound of flesh. I need him to pay for his share instead of others being footed with the bill.

Feelings: I feel betrayed, hurt, and horribly overwhelmed.

Behavior: I go nuclear and fully blow up almost everything, like the trip, the friendship, the server with all of it's memories etc. I can't stop catastrophising.

Thoughts: Maybe his hernia started acting up and he's super overwhelmed. He will probably pay me back, and if he doesn't that's something we can figure out later as a group. There's no time constraint on that.

Feelings: This couldn't stop all of the anxiety, but at least hopefully it's a step. I still feel pain in my chest.

Behavior: Everything doesn't go nuclear.