My ass is winning

I feel a lot better, by either tomorrow or the day after tomorrow I should be fully recovered I hope. I wanted to write a little bit today about something that irked me.

I made a casual comment about how I was sad I haven’t worked out two days in a row, because of having to go to the urgent care and then just letting myself rest today. S seemed fairly concerned because I know that they have problems with guilt for skipping the gym. But I did mention how for me it’s because I know that I quit things incredibly easily, and so I have to be very diligent to not break habits. It didn’t feel like they were getting it and seemed like they were being overly cautious on my behalf. I found myself getting somewhat defensive, so I took a moment to think about it. One fairly insightful thing I realized was I was behaving this way because I was afraid of the opposite potentially being true, but also I don’t think I can confidently believe something if I have never entertained the opposite thought.

I know for me that activation energy and motivation are incredibly scarce resources. Especially when I get depressed, I have been known to neglect a lot of important things for myself. I couldn’t count on my hands how many things I’ve dropped and given up on. Because of that, I know that I need to be very aware of how I work, and so I nearly never let myself skip something more than once. Once I do that, the habit is very close to being broken, and then it’s monumentally hard for me to resume. I don’t need someone to be soft or gentle with me, that complacency is what leads me to rot in bed and spiral. I need someone to drag me out of bed and make me do the things good for me, and that person ends up being me.

R – 3 breaths

E – I feel defensive about this topic, as they don’t understand that what they’re doing is bad for me

S – They don’t understand my situation and they are saying what helps them for their own situation. There’s nothing malicious about this, I’ve been guilty of this several times before also. I want to be a strong person, and so this gives me an opportunity to practice taking this and not listening to it, for my own wellbeing.

T – I will be grateful and respectful, but also not listen to their advice to go easy on myself and let myself skip things, as I know that will destroy my mental health.