An Open Letter

I finally blocked A today. This is the first time I've blocked someone like this. I did this in therapy, and before doing it I talked with my therapist about how I could take the selfish route. If I just block her, she's in the dark and when she finds out it's devastating. Or I could put myself at risk and tell her I'm blocking her and risk finding out I could be blocked without knowing, and then that pain is on me. I chose what I always do which is to protect them and I saw I was blocked. She has promised and swore on everything to her several times that she wouldn't block me again. How many times can I be the fool for trusting.

And so now my hands are covered in blood, but it's not hers. The only guilt I have is to myself. When will I protect myself, no one is going to choose me over them so who is left to care for me if I don't? How many times can I hurt myself trying to be good. To trust is to be vulnerable and I feel like at some point I need to care for myself.

I try to remind myself that I am strong, and choosing to take on burden on others behalf makes me stronger. But I don't know why I do. I think I'm stupid. And so now this weight is mine to add to the pile.