An Open Letter

I’m going to wake up by 7:30, I hope, because tomorrow is my first day working at my new job AHHHHH! I just played some games with J and A for a bit, and had a good time. I also got to work out for the first time in forever which was SUPER nice, I was feeling myself, and I even got some of my favorite photos so far of my progress. I do get a little bit sad because I don’t really have a place I can share my photos which sucks. I guess it doesn’t really suck, but part of me feels sad that there’s something I’m like super duper proud of and I wanna share it and I don’t really have those avenues for validation I guess. I think a lot of that comes back into how I never got validation growing up, mostly because I wasn’t attractive lol. It’s strange now that I think I am, since I don’t really get that feedback explicitly from friends and such because I think it’s more expected since they only know me recently. But for me it’s a fully new thing and so I do wish that I got some of those words of affirmation more often. It feels vain to say that, but that’s why I’m writing it here instead of telling them. It’s understandable, it’s like if you knew someone and for the entire duration you knew them they had an apartment to themselves – but you don’t know that less than year ago of meeting them they were living in a super shitty situation and that apartment was a massive feat for them. You’d never think to mention it or share that joy, since you don’t know how it was before. So I get it, and it’s not at all like I could blame or feel upset at them for this – but also I grew up with all the feedback that I was ugly and untouchable, and since I never really got the new feedback where that’s not the case, that kinda feels like all the evidence in my mind.

I guess I just want to know that I can be wanted again. I know that worth should be something that I can dictate for myself, not because that is what is correct, but rather because that is all I can do to preserve my own self-image. But I feel my value is inherently set by others. It doesn’t directly matter what I think of myself if no one sees me the same. And so I feel bad. I think I’ve had enough feedback now from others that I feel like I am desired, and wanted, but I still cannot really undo all the grooves in my mind reinforcing how I am “not enough” for lack of a better word. It’s weird, I’m struggling to put it into words. It’s just this constant hunger for acceptance, I guess – like I’m constantly trying to change something and convince others that I am worth investing in, and that I shouldn’t just slip through the cracks. I am something worth holding and nourishing, and it’s my job to convince them of that. I feel like it’s my obligation to notarize the lens I’m writing this through; this problem is just a poor mask on the childhood attachment I had with my parents. I would be told I’m untouchable and that no one would want to interact with me, and then I would be neglected for months at a time. All for things that I can fairly confidently say were not my fault. When my dad was away on trips, if he texted my mom not enough she would then ignore me and my sister for months. And I would never know what happened, just suddenly I was alone in the house and she wouldn’t look at me or acknowledge that we were alive. And so when I grow up like that, what other choice do I have but to feel like I need to desperately convince my mom that I am worth loving? If I feel like it is something that I can do and that I have the agency over, then at least I have control (even though that was not the case). If I accept the fact that I am powerless to change it, and I am just a kid being caught in the crossfire of my mom’s issues, then I am truly powerless. I have nothing I can do, and I am doomed. And that’s a horrifying thought. Hope is such a comforting thing, because the alternative is that things will not change. And so that’s what I learned – and what I carry with me today. I refuse to believe that I cannot change things, and that’s why I’ve pushed myself so hard to try to take the reigns on life. I just hope that it works out for me. I want to be loved, I want to have a life that I worked so damn hard for. I’ve given everything I can, I’ve tried so hard – I just pray it was worth it and I’m happy I didn’t kill myself.