Nine
Today I started to feel the familiar threat of depression with break starting. I spent yesterday just playing games till 3:00 a.m. with friends, and I realized how unproductive I feel. I feel like that's a drastic understatement of what I'm feeling, but I don't know how else to objectively describe it. I feel like that spending or wasting the entire day away is starting to already take a huge toll on me. I'm scared for when everyone goes home.
I know that A is going to be here for spring break and I really want to reach out and feel that familiar company. I honestly want an excuse to do anything with them, but I know that a good part of it is kind of along the same lines of dropping an addiction. I've been riding the high of her always being there and now that the rest of life's problems are filling back in I really want to get another hit just to make it more bearable. But I know that that will make it worse than the long run. I don't want to be around them because I don't want to be alone, I want to be around them because I want to be around them. And it's kind of hard to disambiguate while I'm so desperately looking for someone to distract me.
I'm honestly terrified of being alone right now. Or I guess more just terrified of being depressed over this break. I feel like I say I don't want to be alone because that's the easiest potential cop out, of someone else somehow distracting me and making me not depressed – but that's not the answer either. I don't know if I would want to feel content with how life is right now. If I think about that, it feels like I would be setting myself up for a miserable life. I don't want to be content playing leave Legends for fucking 8 hours a day or whatever. But at the same time I don't really have much of a choice right now I feel like and so I guess I have nothing else to do but sit in this nausea and misery.