An Open Letter

To help combat a lot of issues I was recommended to journal my thoughts while applying CBT – so I’m going to try to get into the habit of journaling roughly daily to express thoughts I’m currently struggling with.

In a somewhat disjointed segway, I’m partially glad no one is currently subscribed to this blog (bye Claire), as I don’t necessarily have to worry about being perceived. But at the same time, that is something I also feel sad about. I reached out to a close friend and directly asked them to subscribe to this blog, I guess in a way to make it easier for me to reach out or express insecure feelings through proxy. On the surface level that does feel like something I want – as in my mind I can follow the (flawed) logical reasoning:

1. I post something on my blog that is relatively obscured

2. Someone goes digging or out of their way to find it and brings it up to me

3. I feel like I am cared for, because this person jumps through these hoops I set for them

For the not-so-idiots potentially reading this do you see the issue? The issue here is when I hide away these things, I expect people around me to somehow read my mind, or to do something so incredibly specific and out of the norm – and if they do not do this then my brain can use this as ammo to riddle my relationships with the idea that they do not care for me.

It honestly seems very obvious when put like this (which I guess is the point of CBT), but this is a pattern I’ve done for as long as I have had access to the internet, whether it had been changing my Skype about me, setting discord statuses, or writing posts on this blog.

It’s a very clear problem I have, but it’s very instinctive in me to do. If I try to psychoanalyze it a bit more, I feel like it’s mostly due to learning this behavior in childhood. When I wasn’t really given support by my parents, I tried this behavior of making subtle cries for help, and when they weren’t picked up I would just believe that they did not care enough for me, and I needed to do bigger cries for help.

But enough about the past – going forward I need to consciously stop following this pattern. To address this immediate concern let me go ahead and stop being a coward and properly do CBT:

Situation: A friend has unsubscribed from the blog + directly asked another friend and they have not subscribed.

Thoughts: The friend who unsubscribed is annoyed by my posting, doesn’t want to read my blog, and doesn’t care about me as a person. For the other friend, they do not care about me enough, as they still haven’t subscribed and they probably felt pressured into subscribing since I directly asked them even though they do not want to read this stuff.

Feelings: Alone, feel like I’m being left again, feel like friendships are crumbling and they do not care about me, feel like a burden on friends.

Behavior: I stop initiating with these friends, pull myself away, self-isolate, and begin spiraling into a depressive episode. Overall become less friendly, and push away friends.

Now for the better take:

Thoughts: I could have fully removed the first friend from the blog when I last had a bad episode, or they could have just been getting too many emails and would rather not have that constantly overwhelming them. About the other friend, they are very busy and relatively forgetful, they genuinely did not remember to follow through with this. In both cases, they still value me as a friend and care about me – they just did not recognize how much weight I put onto that, which is fully reasonable because I did not communicate that to them. In addition, asking them to subscribe, puts an unfair stress on them to deal with my constant barrage of spam and in a way takes away from my freedom to post things, as I have the constant reminder that they will be aware of it. I originally wanted this blog to be something where I did this for myself, and not with any expectation or reliance on anyone else, but also by them not subscribing it helps me break the pattern I mentioned earlier about leaving breadcrumbs and getting upset when no hansel eats them up.

Feelings: Peace, content, less insecure, still loved, happier, more independent, and also free.

Behavior: Less of a demand or undue strain on friendships, more comfortable being honest on the blog and posting whatever/whenever I want with no consequence, along with being friendly and more receptive to friends and love, as I don’t have the idea in my head that they don’t care about me.

Wow isn’t CBT magical? That was an INCREDIBLE amount of writing, good grief I should take it to a publisher at this point. Jokes aside, I do immediately feel better, and less shitty than I had been feeling for the last few days about this issue. I hope to do this more frequently, especially since I don’t have the pressure of someone being obligated to read this due to me, which I’m grateful for.

I’m proud of you Anshuman, I’ll talk to you again soon! Love you.